This is Really Who I Am

Seeing Family Again & the Cruise

2011-09-30T13:49:00.000-04:00

I figured it was about time to write again; it's been well over six months. We went on a cruise last week and it was a blast for everyone. The kids went with us and they had three close family friends their age who got to go as well. We visited my husband's family before and after the cruise. It was fun seeing his family again; it's been over 12 years since we have seen most of the family. We visited five cousins, a second cousin and two aunts and uncles. All but two members of his family have never seen our kids before. I don't think it was as big a deal to them to see our kids as it was for me. That is a long time to wait to see family that we get along with perfectly fine. Kids have a way of growing and changing so much too, and since they are my kids, I guess it's easier to see it the way I do.

The last time I saw some of these family members, they were just kids themselves. Since then, they have changed, of course. Some of them have had kids of their own, most from busted up relationships. All but one of the relatives are on at least their second marriage, some their third. One cousin is now 40 and is dating a 19-year-old after three divorces. One of his divorces just became final about 3 months ago or less. I feel badly for him and he is messed up emotionally after all he has been through. To me that doesn't make for a good basis or beginning of a new relationship with a young lady who is not even of legal drinking age. It makes me wonder what the young lady is thinking in dating a man so much older than her (what is the attraction for her?) and also, how sad it is that this cousin seems to be almost searching out ways to repeat the mistakes of his past. When I was 18, I hung out with a group of friends and there were 40-year-old men on the fringes of this group of friends. I thought those much older guys were a little disgusting and could not understand their interest in really what were young girls. One time, we were out on a boat and the much older men pushed me into the water so that my shirt would get wet and stick to me and they could see what size my breasts were. It's that kind of thinking that is just gross and not funny to me in the least, and I didn't care that the guys were trying to impress people with their boat and their cars and "stuff". I can't imagine being divorced and wanting to hang out with guys half my age and expecting people to accept that.

Back to the cruise - it was a great, relaxing vacation. Our group totaled 15, including the kids on the cruise. I am so glad my husband was able to go on the trip and actually take it easy - he deserves it! he is the hardest working person I have ever met and that I know. It's interesting how other people react to a hard working man; they seem to either agree he is or if they are jealous or something else, they slam him one way or another. Another thing I admire about my husband is how he saves and manages money and that is something other people seem to make jealous, backbiting comments about. You would think that people would be proud of someone who does a good job with things in their life but for the most part, people seem to react negatively to it instead - it's a sad disappointment. But I love my husband more every day and I'm not now, nor ever tried to, change him in any way.

Well, the cruise was fun and I'm glad we got to see family after so long. We told all of them that we don't want to wait another 12 years before seeing them again and they agreed.

S.L.M. 9.30.11 @ 1:48

The Baby Shower

2011-02-20T14:04:00.000-05:00

Jael had her baby shower yesterday and it went well. It was really nice to see all of the gifts Jael and Greg received. They look very happy and I know they are thrilled they are having a girl: Graye Liesl is her name. It's been 18 years of their marriage and now they are going to have a baby.

I heard some news from another friend in the congregation that this friend is pregnant. Today at the meeting, I saw her husband (she wasn't there) and he said things don't look good; she has had cramping and "all of the signs". It sounds sad and I hope it is not a miscarriage.

When she first told me about her pregnancy, my friend said she wants my husband and me to have a baby. She said we are the best parents she knows and she wants us to be pregnant during the same time. I thought that was sweet and quite a compliment and I certainly hope she's OK. She's going to call me tomorrow after she goes to the doctor.

Tonight the kids have a friend staying over. It's the last weekend before school starts so the kids were in the mood to have friends over. They usually always spend time with the same friend, so it was nice to hear that they wanted to have a different friend over to stay.

It was fun to see all of Jael's gifts. They appear to have gotten all of the things they need for their daughter at the baby shower. I'm very happy for them and I hope things go very well; I'm sure that they will.

2010-12-04T14:07:00.001-05:00

I like this GEICO commercial: http://ping.fm/ciymZ

A List of Requests

2010-10-23T10:37:00.010-04:00

Ok, last night my husband told me he had to work late. He was on his laptop, as was I and we were both on IM. He sent me a message to pay the guys who are completing our sunroom on the house and then he a message as follows:

PERSONAL REQUESTS
=============================
1. In general keep your life running on a consistent level and schedule
2. Don't spend money on junk we will use for one day (i.e. vacuum food sealer, weight watchers scale, etc.)
3. Not budgeting your time correctly and kids are late for bus
4. When get to meeting get out of van
5. Don't let or take Simon out of the house
6. Don't buy stuff for me or biz without asking
7. Not doing something the first time you are asked
8. Don't leave your shoes in the middle of the room or by the table
9. Dont buy honey buns
10. Not putting mail in the proper location
11. Ensuring the kids teeth are brushed once a day
12. Not getting dressed first and then as needed helping kids
13. Don't open windows when heat or a/c is on
14. Don't drink alcohol when I am not there
15. Get the kids a nap on Tuesday and if they going to be able to get a nap call me
16. Not budgeting your time correctly, dinner's late and we end up late for meeting
17. Don't spend money on every bag of candy you see
18. Don't feed the kids too much or give them too much coke or Capri Sun (empty calories)

=============================

Frankly, I'm a bit surprised that this was the extent of the list. I know, in reality, that this is not the extent of the list.

I wrote right back, "Really?" and him, "yes i have been formulating this list for couple of years"

Me: "Oh really? Years huh?" Him: "what on this list surprises you?"

Me: " interesting that you just now communicate this with me" Him: "well it is just been in the making you know". Me: "in other words, it is just beginning". Him: "i probably should hang on fridge".

So now, there is a copy hanging on the fridge. There is also a copy on my phone so that I have a constant reminder. I should also put a copy on Facebook and everywhere that people know me, so I can get steady reminders.

The next part of the conversation went as follows: Him: "haha, i love you". Me: "why should it matter what surprises me?" Him: "nothing on this list should surprise you - but you FORGET!!! OVER time" Me: "ah and you don't I guess, you are something". Him: "oh i do!!! i am something i know about 190 and 6' 0". Me: " Ya, nothing on the list surprises me and nothing should...19. Don't expect to have any say, 20. Don't expect communication".

Him: "ha, you are funny, anyways gotta go (ha i don't want to hear it so i am trying to act busy) (cheese), ROFL. go ahead do tell, let me call you so i can hear it first hand and continuing working while you chew my ear ; ? ) ; - ) ;-)

[He called my cell phone, I hit ignore]. Him: "you sucker ignoring my call" Me: "mm hm, if I can't say something nice..." Him: you know i am laughing here, you know that list wasn't sent to make you mad, i am just having fun". Me: "RIGHT". Him: "you are funny - why would that list make you mad? there is not one request that is unreasonable or anything you haven't become accustomed to in 15 years of marriage?"

He went on in this jovial manner and then I said something I thought was funny: "Now as I sign off of the computer tonight, I've got to...pour out the remainder of my drink, clean my shoes up out of the middle of the floor and out from under the kitchen table, shut all of the windows, help the kids brush their teeth, throw out the honey buns, throw out the gift I bought last week (on your dresser), put the mail in the proper location, and do this the first time"

Him: "you are hilarious". Me: "no...RETURN the gift, not throw it out, that would be a waste of money...oh...do you think I am kidding?" Him: "yes" Me: "I'll let you get back to work now , love you bye". Him: "{love/heart]"

Then I signed off after that. I printed that list of requests, as I mentioned, put it on the fridge and printed another one and I have it on my nightstand. That's control

--------------

S.L.M. 10.23.10 @ 11:10 a.m.

About To Go On The Cruise

2010-09-19T17:30:00.010-04:00

We have been planning a family cruise for a little while and now it's time to go, finally! This is the kids' first cruise and they're thrilled, of course. We're going on a very family-oriented ship, thankfully. I have great kids, and not just in my opinion, so I don't have worries about behavior.

I just have concerns with my husband on this cruise and how he'll cope with other people; the kids and and his reaction to things and other people and their over-reaction to things, really all things (you just never know when you get in a large group).

So anyway, we're on the way to the port city and I'm kind of hungry. I got four hours of sleep last night, near-tantric sex (no complaints by the way) and a very little dinner. Then for breakfast - toast. So, ya, I'm hungry. I ask the kids for a small bag of Cheez-its from the pack. My husband proceeds to freak out. He is not usually one you would think of to call names or downgrade women, not one you'd think of, that is. He happens to be the son of a master at that.

So I opened the bag and bit down on one mini cracker and he says, "No, you're not gonna eat that...put that down". I was hurt but also irritated because no woman wants to hear that from her husband and I've heard those words before. This blog explains my weight loss journey but I have to say I've come far and I don't think there are many people that would describe me as fat, except for my husband that is.

I really was hungry but that wasn't the whole point; if I would like a reasonable snack, that's not a big deal. Also,I should not have to eat only when he thinks I should be hungry and as much as he thinks I should eat!

I knew this would become an issue around the time of the cruise at some point. We couldn't just go on vacation and enjoy travel on a cruise without weight and food being an issue. Even when we went on our last cruise and was eating 700-800 calories per day and wore a size 6 on my 5'10" frame in my 30's, he still hassled me on that cruise about food and indulging...on a CRUISE! The food is amazing, everyone knows that, and I was super skinny at 145 pounds for my height, really. You would have had to have seen me to understand. If you don't believe me, you don't know tall people, tall women especially...I looked good.

So back to the snack situation. My husband said, just after I opened the pack of crackers, that we were going to be getting something to eat soon and I should just wait. About an hour later, we did eat lunch and after I had my very low-calorie meal, which was ordered for me, he says, "Did you get enough, Tubby?" He likes to call me degrading names, fat names. That's so anti-motivational, right? I am the one who lost 90 pounds in just about 14 months, even with the names and negativity; I kept plugging away. Not that he's all bad, of course, no where near that; I just hate when he does that in front of our children.

Now we are about to go on this vacation, or first family cruise, where the food is about half of the fun. Only it is not going to be for me, or the kids.

My husband calls our son fat too! He is 11 years old, 90 pounds and 5'1" tall. Granted the kid has a tiny gut, tiny, but I would never call my child names! He's a growing boy and he's projected to be 6'2" - 6'3" tall. That's very tall and taller than my husband even. I am very tall for a woman so I knew or kids would be tall; they hit their growth spurts sometimes.

Also, kids sometimes go through spurts where they show some weight and then they get really tall and lanky. My husband's cousin did that same thing. Now this guy, he was a chunk in his kid years and he is thin as a rail now. He's also 6'4" tall and the same thing goes for our brother-in-law. So it's not like my husband can't understand or can't see our son won't outgrow this - this isn't even bad!

Our younger son now says he thinks he is fat! He is very thin, bordering on skinny. He is very loudly emotional about it, grabbing at his stomach and saying, "Look, do you see this disgusting, fat gut? Now THAT'S fat!"

I told my husband about that today and he was nonplussed...he said he'd rather have a kid without a weight problem and a complex than a kid without a complex and a weight problem. Nice Daddy, real nice.

SLM

GCA

2010-08-24T08:30:00.001-04:00

My son was accepted for the state cyber academy and now I'm feeling overwhelmed. I was so excited yesterday when we found out and my husband was the one who has been saying, "Are you sure we're doing the right thing?" Now it's the other way around and I'm feeling uneasy; I'll be the one teaching him from home so I'll have the thrust of the work from day to day. At night I will have planning and homework with my other son, who is in public school. This will have its challenges but it will be great if I maintain a + attitude!

2010-08-19T17:14:00.001-04:00

Listening to #NPR

2010-08-18T12:45:00.001-04:00

The high temperature is only going to be 91Â° today?

2010-08-17T18:22:00.001-04:00

At Stevi B's with the kiddos before the meeting. I've never done this before.

2010-08-08T08:26:00.001-04:00

The first day of school was not bad for my 4th grader. The middle schooler is "going to home" as he says to anyone who asks what school he goes to. He hasn't actually started school yet.

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My Shows

2010-06-16T17:47:00.002-04:00

We don't have TV in our home so I watch my shows online. I have gotten way behind in my shows like House, Fringe, Survivor, Bones and some others. Today I have been catching up on House. Sometimes the different style of episodes are interesting but sometimes they are s...l...o...w for me. I don't know why.

The Field Day Fiasco

2010-05-24T11:03:00.013-04:00

I went to my son's fifth grade field day just this morning and it started out ok. With fifth graders I can't be my usual, silly self. I have to be reserved and nonchalant so that I don't embarrass my son. I went to field day a few days ago with my other son's 3rd grade and I was silly and joking and that was cool; the other kids and my son loved it.

So we're cheering for our orange team and we're in the gym and we're a few activities into 5th grade field day now. It's time to do this relay where each kid takes a plastic bucket from one end of the gym down to the other end and stack it pyramid-style. There are 15 buckets total and then an adult tops it off with a ball on the buckets at the end of the relay. The adult can walk the ball down the gym, hop the ball, whatever, just so they get the ball - between their knees - to the pyramid stack, without touching the ball with their hands or dropping it.

I asked the teacher if she needed any help with this relay and she said she did. Then another mom chimes in and says she was going to do the part where she gets the ball to the end and puts it on the top of the pyramid. I told her to feel free and go ahead. She then said that I could do so and I asked her twice if she was sure, since her son seemed to really want her to be in this relay and she had planned to do so. She had really seemed to want to do this relay a second ago. She was a tanned, fit-looking and pretty mom with sparkling blue eyes, all gussied up for the event, with a tank top and short shorts. This mom was armed with a non-stop flashing camera. I should have politely bowed out right then if I had any brains whatsoever. Did I do so? Of course not. I promise you - I will NEVER get this hindsight junk.

The coach calls the groups out by color and our orange team heads out. I am on the side of the gym where I am handing each smarty-pants 5th grader their bucket. The other tanned mom is across the gym, on the easy pyramid stacking side.

Before we start the relay, the gym teacher/MC, wants to make it clear who the week-long winner has been. (Just so you know, I'm an awkward 5' 10-3/4" and in the transitional 1/2 point of losing over 50 pounds. I've been 235 and I've been 140 so I know big and little). The week-long winner is about 5'3" and maybe 95 lbs. The clear winner he goes on and on about, (a "Ms. Smith" he announces) kicks her flip-flops off and exposes her tattoo while her long straight black hair shines. She is maybe 20 years old and, as the coaches have previously announced at my other son's field day, does not even have kids at this school. No one even knows why she and her guy friend keep hanging around the school competing in kids' games just to win but I guess it makes them feel better. This is like a nightmare, really. She is the height of a 5th grader with more weight and muscle mass.

The coach calls "go" and the kids are off. They stack their buckets just right. I'm yelling them on and our team is in the clear lead by at least one bucket. The next thing I know I have the orange ball the the pyramid in my sights. I put the ball between my knees and remember to keep my hands off of it. This is where I would love to freeze and rewind time.

Ok, so I know it won't do my any good to walk it so I start jumping with the ball - big huge leaps. Soon I know I am making big strides. I hear everyone cheering and it's going great. Then, I know it is going terribly wrong. I feel myself going down and the gym floor is coming up very close to my face. My knees make contact with the gym floor like old school days and it's all in slow motion like a bad dream. Ms. Smith goes hop, hopping past me with her little tattoo in her bare feet and it is all over from there.

I get up and go back to the line to start over. Again, it is slow motion as I hop, leap, with this stupid ball between my knees. I am now holding the ball with my hands because I know it no longer matters. Now the other team colors are passing me up and I am getting out of breath from falling and going back and trying to go fast and all of that junk. I am trying to go fast for no reason because our team already lost. I get to the pyramid stack and I have forgotten what to do with the ball. The tan mom looks at me with hatred in her eyes , a frown on her face and says, "Stack it! Put it on the stack!!!"

I carefully set the ball on the stack so that I don't have to start ALL OVER and RUN back to our team. I attempted a smile and got scornful looks from my team. They were so let down. I have never let a team down that much in my life. I always performed in school and this was like my worst nightmare come true. After we stood there and the coaches acted like they had to check their hidden "slow motion timed finish camera" in the wall they announced Ms. Smith's green team, of course. Then I had to listen, again, to how wonderful Ms. Smith is and how she has been at the school all week, winning. The coach bragged about how she is in such great shape that she has been winning over other parents and coaches, even softball coaches and all of the parents. It was humiliating, standing there on the gym floor, huffing in front of all of those people.

The coach/MC said to go back to the bleachers and I sat down next to my son and his class just eyed my with mad looks. I told him, "Well, that was embarrassing." My son was upbeat and said he was excited about the next event. That's cool, I thought, but I needed to step outside cuz I was feeling hormonal due to Aunt Flow expecting to pay a visit in the near future and for some dumb reason I was feeling emotional.

There was some crowd noise and then right when it got quiet I just walked out. We were on the front row of the bleachers and I just headed out the door. I got right in the car and drove away, which I was not planning to do. I wanted to stay the whole day and each lunch with my son and then stay for the afternoon of field day. Right after that fall and then the retardation that followed, I somehow could not picture the day panning out that way.

The whole thing just really sucked. I left to get to the field day at 9:10 a.m. and walked back in the door, crying, at 10:02 a.m. so it was a short, cruddy morning. This whole junk took place in front of the entire 5th grade. I sound like a 5th grader writing this but I know it was hard on my son and made him feel like crud. I like already feel like a Neanderthal and I am so big, fat and ugly to begin with. I just came charging in there, unexpected and wrecked their whole game. They all had these looks of disgust, distaste, like they could not stand me. It was so embarrassing! Why should I care about myself anyway? This day was for my son! This is his last field day ever.

A word about size: I don't really care about Tiny Tina Ms. Smith because everyone out there is just like her - a size 4, 2 or 0 and that's what I contend with every day. If I was downsized into a miniature of myself, I might look more normal like that and like a person of that stature but the point is that I don't. People love to say, "BUT YOU'RE TALL". Oh, ya think? I get so tired of hearing that. Like I don't know that. I like being tall. But they don't realize that big thighs and junk comes with that. I'm not a miniature person like the tiny teenie Poly Pocket versions of females out there that look at me with disgust on their faces. Being a big girl has its ups and mostly downs. There are really not that many of us out there and its not real funny being a big girl. Being a real woman, in my opinion, has a lot to do with size. I have learned that a lot over just the last few years. If I starved myself to be a size 2 or 0 at nearly 5' 11", then there would be a problem and I would be setting a bad example for 5th graders who are turning into young ladies at this age.

Anyway, I was a good sport at the 5th grade field day, in my opinion, because I finished up the relay for the team. At least I stayed long enough to finish and listen to the sass at the end about the tattooed chick who wins them all. I guess that is why I got up this morning. I have been in better shape in my life; I know that and I know what my personal best is. That's all that really matters.

S.L.M. 5.24.10 @ 12:00 p.m.

2010-05-20T14:09:00.001-04:00

dum de dum dum server!

2010-05-20T08:10:00.001-04:00

Let's see if the server will cooperate today...

Botanical Garden on Farmville - It's Over?

2010-05-14T12:42:00.030-04:00

From a Farmville Addict: OK yes, I am a self-admitted addict on Farmville. I am one of the 23+ million (almost 24 million) and growing FV players and Facebook fans who just cannot stop. It's not as bad as it used to be but yes, I am just about addicted to the dumb farm.

Oh the rush when the golden egg comes fresh out of the chicken coop! What about that 100 XP just for me? Oh ooh and that special animal that shows up on my farm that I get to share with others? That is so cool! The best to me is when I open a mystery box and get something I have seen brand new on someone's farm and I just have to have it. I think what I love the most of all, though, is the happiness I see when my kids open a golden mystery egg and get something huge like a cottage or a grain silo - maybe the first time each of them had that happen - their excitement rocks.o

Now my kids both have their own farms. My oldest started his farm from scratch and worked his way up. The youngest received a farm as a gift from a friend of mine who didn't want his farm anymore. I am so obsessive that I keep up with my own level 49 farm and both my kids' level 27 and 28 farms, plus a dummy account farm that they same guy gave to me.

Time Waster: Whew - it really gets out of control! Who in the world do I have to complain to though, right? Isn't this all just the stupidest thing you have ever heard? Farmville is what I even call a colossal waste of time. It really is the hugest waste of literally hours just, as my son put it, "clicking away on the computer and that's all it is". Anyone who plays it has to agree that Farmville is a big, great big waste of time, but it is fun. It is like anything else on the computer screen - you can put a lot of time and into it and it's cute and harmless but nothing beneficial comes out of it.

So you would have to play Farmville on Facebook to know what I am going to talk about for the rest of this. Farmville is a game within Facebook. Well, it is actually something that has become so popular that farmville has its own website.

Here is a picture of my farm, by the way.

Botanical Garden: I did not know that the optional botanical garden was going to have a sudden time limit and just be shut off as of yesterday, 5.13.10!

According to this website, Farmville Freak, "Posted on Thu, 13/05/2010 by FarmVille Freak FarmGoddess...Attention all FarmVille Freaks interested in finishing their Botanical Garden: the building process for Botanical Garden ends tonight! You have about 1 hour to finish building your Botanical Garden, be sure to help your neighbors. Here is the FarmVille Freak link for Botanical Garden Building Supplies:"

Then there was a link posted which is now extinct and goes to no-where-land. It must have been nice while it lasted but it literally must have lasted one hour while it was there, in whatever time zone it was in.

SO many times I search something online and find old, outdated stuff, especially for Farmville. There will be a link for a "new", unreleased item and it is from 2009 or something that I am searching for that is six months old, at least. I wrote this post so that people would know that the botanical garden on Farmville is over as of May 13, 2010 and there is nothing new and unreleased about that. :-p

I did not, myself, go for the option of building the botanical garden, so I guess I just didn't keep up with any possible time limit on it. It is really just a ploy to get your neighbors to give you things after you spend $5000 coins to put up the structure. That's, of course, the unglorified version of throwing up such a structure. I'm not in to all of the politicking of it; it's all in fun anyways, right? After all, it's Farmville - it's a big fun game!

I don't even keep up with the Farmville botanical garden, except for my son, but I sure didn't know it was going to be over. Thanks for the warning Farmville! I would have made sure he had the last 6 items he needed to be finished with the dumb thing! Instead of the third and last image to the right (above) of the botanical garden, my son's looks more like the middle image of the three. The unfinished botanical garden sort of looks like something from a college campus to me.

And how about the "Red Rock" (from the Southwestern collection)? I put it behind my son's Bull on his farm cuz it looked rather like a large cattle pie to me. The bull looks relieved, rather animatedly blowing out that steam from his nose! Ha haa!

My Dog Suggestion: So here's my little Farmville suggestion: When I go visiting other people's farms all of the time (which I do for four people, almost daily) - why do I have to search around to find out if each person has a dog/dogs or not?

There could be an indicator that comes up right away when each farm loads that shows if they have a dog or not. This way I would know whether I should gift the person a dog treat (or perhaps even puppy kibble). It would prevent me having to search around their farm to see if there are dogs somewhere...anywhere...or not.

Hey, remember now, I am the one who started out this post that I am a sort-of Farmville addict. I do poke a little fun here and there but I am taken in by the cuteness factor and the addictiveness of the whole thing. I just don't like being manipulated completely I guess, I don't know. I like to spend endless hours of my time, my own time on the computer, not being tricked into it. Ha! What a total joke! I am an admitted Farmville addict and I know it - there I admit it!

Yes, I do like Farmville and the last-second-too-late Botanical garden thing was not a big deal to me but my little 8-year-old will be bummed out by it. Oh well, as we say in our family, he'll survive. It's only a game after all.

S.L.M. 5.14.10 @ 2:15 PM

Figging - who ever heard of this dandy?

2010-05-13T14:02:00.006-04:00

I have to say, my interest was quite quickly piqued when my husband sent the subject "figging" to me in one of his regular stimulating emails. [Above link (click the title of this blog entry to read about the subject.]

In with his usual sexy, funny, party, wacky links he wrote: "Research this: things to drive a man crazy and this is VERY interesting". The very interesting thing he was referring to is the figging which this post is in reference to.

Figging, according to wikipedia, "refers to the act of inserting a piece of ginger root into the anus or vagina as a form of BDSM". Hm, that is some interesting Victorian madness. I guess those folks weren't as crusty as they may have seemed.

Neither of us had ever heard of the figging stuff and I'm not sure if we're going anywhere with it but hey, I think it's cool he sent this to me. You gotta love the research this man does!

2010-05-12T13:24:00.001-04:00

even though it was instant, it was coffee today. I did have the cashew cookie bar with the coffee too. :o)

2010-05-12T10:13:00.001-04:00

Today's society is all about "instant coffee, instant tea" & no real patience seems to exist anymore.

2010-05-12T09:51:00.001-04:00

9:50 a.m.? I've got to show more restraint than that. I was going for a Larabar cashew cookie bar www.larabar.com

2010-05-04T17:54:00.001-04:00

today was another gorgeous day!

2010-04-26T13:55:00.001-04:00

"You know, I don't like negotiating with people I can't beat up" -Goldberg, Celebrity Apprentice

2010-04-26T13:52:00.001-04:00

"I don't have one sentence" - Bret Michaels, Celebrity Apprentice

2010-03-10T12:35:00.001-05:00

Ultimately, people will believe what they're going to believe. Your reputation should speak for itself.

2.18.10

2010-02-18T22:25:00.001-05:00

So I heard about this new neurologist and I am strongly considering changing. My current one I've been going to now for about 13 years off and on and I've seen every one of their doctors, even ones who have left that practice. Ya, they've probably left because of frustration.

The practice keeps taking new patients and appeases the insurance companies plus keeps the patients just on the edge with meds and samples but frustrates them with no real cure only the hope of more medication and referrals.

Meantime there's co-pays up front and fees if you're late even if it's the fault of the office for mis-scheduling the appointment! It's always something so you're paying to be a guinea pig with this medication and that medication. There's always some side effect to deal with and the doctor has no concern for any of this.

Oh and the doctor writes a prescription for 60 pills that is supposed to last 90 days? Um...no, not really bud.

If there are any doctors left out there who really want to figure out why I have headaches, they are few and far between. I've met only one: Dr. Marcel Gilli at Emory University Hospital in Atlanta, GA. He was like nothing I've ever seen. He went and got his huge book and brought it in so that I could even see him reading and researching my symptoms. He asked lots of questions, listened and moved around like speed racer.

This guy was a middle aged man but he behaved like the way real medical students maybe act; he had real energy and zeal - he wanted to try to fix what was wrong with me. He was so motivated that he didn't even realize how he appeared to be acting. I saw him a few times and I couldn't go back to him because of changes in my insurance; I was so disappointed! It seemed like I was finally getting somewhere with figuring something out about my headaches. Oh well, life goes on. When I Googled him, it looks like he's at Piedmont hospital now, as an a.

S.L.M. 2.18.10 @

2.17.10

2010-02-17T17:31:00.007-05:00

Today I've been freezing cold and crampy, which can be explained, but my head has been - in a word - unreal. Few times would I actually describe it as (on a scale of 1-10) worse than a 10. Today is one of those days.

It hurts to move my eyes or turn my head. Everything smells bad/wrong & it's all too bright and loud. My facial bones hurt: teeth, bridge of my nose, around my eyes, jaw, ug.

This is how my headaches are for the most part but the last few days it has been building up and up and progressively gotten so much worse. I cannot pinpoint what has made it so much worse.

My Weight Watchers meeting yesterday didn't help things. I know I did good all week; I ate good and I drank water and didn't indulge, too much, just on red licorice here or there - or on the huge superbowl cookie/cake thingy now and then a sliver.

I went into the WW meeting and forgot to take my shoes off and lost my balance for a second on the scale and frumpy Ms. Nancy pants says I gained 0.9 lbs. What is that anyway? If someone has to measure by that small an amount then they have got the problem not me! And they won't let you re-weigh even though there were only three other members there not counting me...big deal if I want to re-weigh.

Well the lumpy leader (she is quite lumpy, ask my kids) at the meeting said she takes 75mg of Topamax for her headaches. I said I take 400mg daily and she said she has rheumatoid arthritis. Then her eyes were little slits all of a sudden, bleary while she talked about it.

Pretty soon Ms. Leader said that oh ya, she takes 75mg of Topamax twice a day. Ok well she ran her mouth the whole time and then her assistant who weighs people in ran her mouth too (she doesn't even take Topamax but felt chatty about it anyway). So although I have had headaches every day since I was 16 I contributed none to the conversation. Meanwhile someone had WAY too much perfume on and I was in a daze anyways. Ha, that rhymes.

I've been drinking lots of water lately which I know is very good. It must be my medication but my eyes and lips are so dry. Time for some lip balm and eye drops. The heat in the house makes skin and everything dry out I guess.

I have been sleeping so much lately. The blinds have been closed in my bedroom for like the last week and a half cuz of my head. Sleep and staying warm have been just about it except for showering, eating and going to the bathroom.

Right now I'm watching this show and a lady has a bad dream. Her husband next to puts his arm around her and I said to myself ya, she had a bad dream because of his big hairy arm!

The deodorant stick I got at clearance price smells ok when it goes on, it's clear even, but it wears off and doesn't work at the end of the day. Sometimes the smell even bothers my head. I went to sleep the other night and the stuff was sticking my skin to itself, waking me up.

My head will eventually get better again before it gets worse again later. Who knows but I'll find out.

S.L.M. 2.17.10 @ 5:31 PM

2.8.10

2010-02-08T20:30:00.004-05:00

We went to my husband's sister's baby shower over the weekend. It was nice and we did plenty with it to help out. The kids memorized a song and presented it with some other boys at the shower and so many people were in tears, including me! It was very special.

Around our house we have been very sick this last week+. Little Tate was sick and had a fever at the shower. He woke up to practice the song then went back to sleep then stayed awake for the gifts and went back to sleep again; he was in rough shape. Josh started feeling sick that night and progressively felt worse. I threw up every night for five straight and Seth has just started feeling better.

Seth was the only one from our family that went to the Super Bowl party we were invited to. He was out past his bed time partying and even he knew he was tired. It's funny when your own kid knows he is out past his bedtime. After school today he was cranky and he said it's cuz he only got about eight hours of sleep last night and he usually gets more like ten! I love that kid!

All last week the kids were home sick from school. Friday I went to the school and picked up their homework so that they could work on it over the weekend. During the week we got bored of being home so much so I tried to take them to some fun places. I took them to Chuck E. Cheese's last Tuesday and we played hookie - ha! Then Friday we went to Wal-Mart while we waited on prescriptions. We didn't go in but Seth puked in the parking lot and then later I let them drive my Mom's Cadillac around the parking lot while sitting in my lap. That was fun! The fastest Seth went was 6 mph and Tate went 4 or 5.

Today I rented two movies from a Red Box place. I watched them both since we're sick and laying around. We have a stomach virus thing btw. The dummy doctor said that since Tate's throat looks red he has strep. Um, where's the throat culture then? There was none. Tate said his throat doesn't even hurt. The dr. gave him some antibiotics and some stuff he likes to prescribe that slows down the digestive system and relaxes the smooth muscles of the stomach/digestive tract, etc. Only he loves to prescribe to these boys in nasty liquid form.

So we get home and I give Tate the first teaspoon of the antibiotic and he said, "Mom, I feel like I'm gonna puke". He takes literally two steps from the kitchen toward the bathroom and proceeds to puke right there on the floor. Then with no warning, opens wide and pukes again, bigtime, all parmesean cheese-smelling nasty on the floor with spray smack everywhere in a huge radius. Now I feel like I'm gonna puke. He went into the bathroom and can't lift the lid and seat fast enough and pukes more and more and gets puke on on three of the toilet surfaces plus the rug they ALWAYS leave on the floor after showers. Yeah! Good times. The poor kid! I felt awful for him. I told him to take a shower and thoroughly cleaned the floor and his bathroom. He apologized and I told him not to worry about it.

Yesterday me and Tate are listening to the meeting and he says, "Let's go rent Napoleon Dynamite" so I say sure and we head to Blockbuster which is just down the road. We decide to take my Mom's car and the dog since it's just going to be a short trip. My keyring has the Blockbuster rental keyring on it and that is separate from my Mom's keyring, which I'm driving with. So we get there, I check for the keys, I'm listening to the meeting on my phone, I grab my wallet from my purse, lock the car and go in. I'm listening to a comment, something about metro-sexual and I feel in my pocket for the keys...only my keyring is in there...not my Mom's - the keys I need to get back into the Caddy to get home. Big fat Uh Oh.

We just arrived at Blockbuster less than a minute ago and Tate is feeling cruddy as it is. He wanted to just get the movie and go. I called Josh and asked how he was (he was feeling awful - sick by now - too) then I told him, "You're gonna be mad..." and what happened. He thought he had my Mom's other set of keys but I knew he didn't so he wanted to look for them. When he realized he didn't have them we had to get them from my Mom and since she didn't go to the meeting, like we thought she was going to, he had to drive all of the way up to the assisted living place to get her set of keys, come back to Blockbuster, unlock the car and let us in.

Meanwhile, it was about an hour waiting which isn't anything to complain about except that we're sitting on the floor in Blockbuster and Tate's got a fever and an awful stomach ache and capable of puking at any moment. The poor kid. The previews they're showing are mature graphic video games or movies not fit for a child to watch so we mostly talk. Even the covers of the movies around us are not what I would consider appropriate for my kids, just the covers, to be viewed.

While we're passing the time, and almost at the end of the time by the way, a girl employee with black and blue hair and a lip and eyebrow piercing comes over and says, "Are you guys ok?" I told her the situation and she said, "Oh cuz I just wanted to make sure you were ok, like, physically". I should have said, "Did you mean to ask if we are ok mentally?" I should have asked if she is. My dog was freezing in the car and my kid is laying on the floor with a fever so that would be a no, honey.

So my husband calls when he's leaving the assisted living facility and we go to pay for the movies we want to rent: Napoleon and a Tom & Jerry cartoon (the best). We sat down at the front of the store so he could see us. I had my back to the glass so that Tate could have the seat. Tate was asking me what time I thought Josh would come and then pretty soon Josh was there, inside the door, saying the car was unlocked. Then he was quickly turning to go.

I was dragging my fat butt off the floor and saying thanks and he was gone, out the door. I got myself out the door as he was getting in his truck and said THANKS and he said ya ok or whatever. He seemed annoyed at best. So the whole way home, practically, Tate and I talked about how Daddy was mad he had to come and bail us out and we listed all of the reasons we thought he was mad, cuz he sure as heck acted mad to me and Tate.

Last night before falling asleep, Josh said to me that he thought I had snuck around to go to Blockbuster. What? That was confusing to me, really. He said that because he told me he was gone when we left to go there so that he thought I had planned it that way. I was just confused and told him I hadn't. I said he has issues with trust and he has for a long time. I told him I don't appreciated him imputing false motives. I said it was Tate's idea to go rent that movie and that he's been talking about it tons lately and how funny he thought it was. Tate even said he didn't get to see the whole thing the last time he saw it so he wanted to rent it again sometime soon.

This was our before-sleep argument. I always feel bad when we argue before sleep but sometimes it gets brought up. That one, I can say honestly and like for once in our married life, I did not bring up. Josh actually said that as we were about to fall asleep; asking me if I went to Blockbuster with a sneaky idea or whatever. Come on! I have way better things to do with my time.

Before he didn't feel like talking cuz he was so sick, his phone buzzed cuz he had a text message and it was that a long time friend of his family had died of an apparent heart attack. We have known their family a long time as well but Josh's parents have known them since before Josh was born. I'm sure we'll be hearing about his funeral announcement soon. My Mom used to live down the street from the man and his wife for about 14 years or so. The man's granddaughter introduced my husband and me to each other. His great grand kids and our kids play together, as did my husband and that man's grand daughters did when they were kids. It's quite sad and that man will be terribly missed.

I found this girl on Facebook that I knew in junior high mostly and some in high school. She was so stinkin funny and she was basically the one who got me through junior high. She was never afraid to act a fool and she cracked me up so bad! I couldn't believe she just showed up one day. She used to act retarded, literally, and make me laugh until I couldn't breathe! She'd call me Sharon Jack-a-lin. I loved her!

Well my husband is awesome. He figured out why we had no internet all weekend. It was vibration on the exterior box when the door closed which caused two wires to come together that never should have. He is so smart to even think to check that! No thanks at all to AT&T jackfaces! They gave him the run-around and jerked him around so he couldn't get them to do their job so he had to do it - dummies!

SLM 2.8.10 @ 8:30 PM

My head is killing me today

2010-02-03T15:12:00.002-05:00

My head is killing me today. It has not gotten any better all day. I woke up with it hurting from my neck on the left side and from my lower back on the right side. More so my neck and it is worse now than ever. I have taken stuff all day and eaten to compensate and it makes me sad. I turned my neck back and forth all day yesterday to ease the pain and I think that's what made my neck so bad on the left. As soon as I woke up I felt it and it's just gotten worse all day. It's like my brain is swelling. Josh is disappointed that I am not accomplishing anything today with my list; he even said, "So you're not doing your list today?" I told him that I feel really bad but that is not enough for him, nothing ever is. I cannot ever feel bad or terrible or horrible. I guess it's because I always do, on some level or another. The whole thing is just frustrating.

1.24.10

2010-01-24T21:14:00.005-05:00

Farmville is so slow that sometimes I consider not doing it anymore; that and the fact that it is a colossal waste of time. Café World is running REALLY slowly too and people have commented about it but the games are still fun. I was getting out of them for a little bit there, a few days, but I got an email from Ryan Rands (a crush whom I wanted to marry before I met Josh) about how to get more than one chicken coop and I got determined to do so and now I’m back at it.

Yesterday Josh went to a chicken show in Jefferson, GA and I took the kids to Lowe’s to do a building project in the morning. After that we went to Chuck E Cheese’s and then I realized I needed to switch the camera cuz Josh wanted the garage he was having built to be recorded while they worked. After switching the camera, we went back to Chuck E. Cheese’s and the kids played more. We got our picture taken and it turned out nice. Then we went to Border’s and I got Seth a science project book and Josh a chicken book. Then we came home and the kids played on the computer and watched their Thunderpants movie. We all had a fun day; Josh’s started at 4:30 AM so naturally he was quite tired. I studied the WT with the kids and not long after, went to bed.

Last night I dreamed another strange “butterfly” kind of dream. It’s butterflies-in-the-stomach kind of dreams I’m talking about. First of all, I started a job at Wal-Mart (the second to last place I’d EVER want to work, after fast food) and it was my first day. No one was watching me or making sure I did anything, I just wandered around the store after helping a little out in the parking lot. I kept going to the bathroom out of boredom and then I went to the break room. I went back to where my manager was and she was in the middle of setting up a display. She grabbed me and said, “Let’s go!” I didn’t know where we were going but she was smiling and happy and I went with her. Me and her and four other employees loaded into an SUV and set out for some unknown place. All of the women were black or Hispanic and there were two guys, both white. One was younger than me, cute and very sweet.

I started out in the back passenger’s side seat and rode by the window. I smiled and laughed along with them but I still felt out of place cuz I didn’t know any of them; that and the fact that I still had no idea where we were going and I was trusting my life in the hands of a driver I’d never met. I think we must’ve stopped for gas or something cuz then I was in the middle of the back seat and the cute young guy was sitting where I had been. He really liked me, I could tell, and I think he put his hand on my leg or something. We started kissing passionately and then it felt like I was kissing him and he wasn’t kissing back. He was young and naïve and sweet and all but I don’t know why he wasn’t kissing back. That left me feeling strange.

We arrived at a country music concert (?) and all of us attended for free I guess. Then we went to a workshop of some kind, where all of us and some other people were on a team working together and racing other teams to make a project of some kind. I saw Ryan up in the crowd and I glanced at him a couple of times. I know I didn’t look good in my dream because I went to the bathroom to change my shirt so I didn’t show my blubbery stomach. I found someone else’s shirt in a locker room type of place. I put it on and it looked better, I thought, than what I’d been wearing. I went back to the group and tried to take a place to help out; I’m usually more vocal in groups like this. That’s pretty much all I remember but again, I knew I shouldn’t be kissing the guy in the car. He was also at the workshop and still liked me, although I was looking at Ryan, who was younger like when I knew him. He looked so hot and when he smiled I got the butterflies like crazy!

Strange stuff, those types of dreams. I think I would get into trouble with someone I used to know than a stranger I’d just met. I can just tell that people I know or that remind me of someone I knew are the ones that would get me messed up. I’m clearly obsessed with my past in some way because I keep having these dreams.

Today the guys went to a gun show at Jim Miller Park. I think that’s in Marietta, where the North Georgia State Fair is held. I told Josh they should take my Dad’s huge knives. Josh said they’re illegal cuz of the length and they probably have a metal detector when people go into the place. It would still be cool for Tate to have taken them there but Josh joked, “They would put him in jail; he’s just real little.”

Now the Internet is all slow and shutting off again. I wonder if AT&T is working on the lines for U-verse or something (ya right, on Sunday?). Ok, a bit later and now it’s back up again. I just looked at Jericho Hickey’s profile and she is a tattoo artist. She looks weird and stuff, pierced lip in two places and I think an eyebrow. She was giving her mom a tattoo in one picture.

Speaking of mom’s, my Mom is now getting rides to and from the meeting with the older sisters in the congregation. She told me they asked her when she is going to take her turn driving. She told them she doesn’t have a car and I want to give them gas money because of it; it’s not fair otherwise.

I have to form a hatred for food again. I have to shut off my senses to food mattering to me anymore. When my head isn’t bad I want to workout. It’s just so discouraging to go to WW when I know I actually tried for a week and lost nothing, not even an ounce. At least I didn’t gain either, so that’s good but still, I’ve only gained since I’ve been going there, something to the tune of about 6 pounds or 4 maybe. That SUCKS!

I mopped the tile floor downstairs and then each of the kids did and now it looks cruddy. It dried with mud marks/dirt marks in it. It still smells musty down here to me. At least it doesn’t smell like my Mom and her funk to me much anymore.

I’m trying to drink water today and I had a 7 point breakfast Hot Pocket. It’s only one more point than the protein bars I usually eat. I think the bars are more filling though. Now I’m watching 30Rock and it’s funny as always. I just suck that I gained this much weight. I was so determined to look kick-ass and never gain any weight. I was obviously not determined enough.

I went to Alabama when my Dad died and since Josh wasn’t there I guess I ate like a total pig and gained weight, fast. I’m sure Jael’s happy because before she quit GPB I told her I wasn’t going to gain the weight back. She can just look at me and feel good cuz I’m a fat slob again; even more reason for her not to have to talk to me. She is an elder’s wife, however, and she shouldn’t be dissing me anywhere, especially the Hall. Whatever, why do I need her approval anyway? I don’t and she’d never give it so what’s the freakin’ point?

There are so many people I knew from Seattle that are not in the truth now. Only Amy Hayward appears to be but she does not dress like it or seem to act like it. Her comments are strange and she’s “friends” with a bunch of people from high school and stuff. No one from school wouldn’t be her friend now with the way she looks. She has had a boob job and definitely tries to look sexy, like a MILF; that’s how she’d be described. She wears tight stuff, just like her mom used to and now she’s her mom’s age when I knew them! Kathy has cancer now though and they removed a grapefruit-sized tumor from inside her organs. She has had chemo and I think radiation. Cookie will have a bunch more radiation treatments. I really need to take her sometimes.

My head is bad today but I need to get on the elliptical while the guys are gone; I don’t like being looked at, let alone watched. I don’t like going out in public because I look so bad. The kids know that I’m fat even though Tate says he doesn’t think I am. He’s so sweet but I want to look good for them too. I don’t want to embarrass them. I know in 2007 I looked awesome but they don’t really seem to remember that, like they don’t remember me having long hair before either.

The Internet is really irritating me! I’m going to go change out the laundry and make popcorn. Peace.

SLM 1.24.10 @ 9:14 PM

My Dream, Weight, Cancer, etc.

2010-01-24T13:07:00.008-05:00

Farmville is so slow that sometimes I consider not doing it anymore; that and the fact that it is a colossal waste of time. Cafe World is running REALLY slowly too and people have commented about it but the games are still fun. I was getting out of them for a little bit there, a few days, but I got an email from Ryan Rands (bigtime sexy crush whom I wanted to marry before I met Josh) about how to get more than one chicken coop and I got determined to do so and now I’m back at it.

Yesterday Josh went to a chicken show in Jefferson, GA and I took the kids to Lowe’s to do a building project in the morning. After that we went to Chuck E Cheese’s and then I realized I needed to switch the camera cuz Josh wanted the garage he was having built to be recorded while they worked. After switching the camera, we went back to Chuck E. Cheese’s and the kids played more. We got our picture taken and it turned out nice. Then we went to Border’s and I got Seth a science project book and Josh a chicken book. Then we came home and the kids played on the computer and watched their Thunderpants movie. We all had a fun day; Josh’s started at 4:30 AM so naturally he was quite tired. I studied the WT with the kids and not long after, went to bed.

Last night I dreamed another strange “butterfly” kind of dream. It’s butterflies-in-the-stomach kind of dreams I’m talking about. First of all, I started a job at Wal-Mart (the second to last place I’d EVER want to work, after fast food) and it was my first day. No one was watching me or making sure I did anything, I just wandered around the store after helping a little out in the parking lot. I kept going to the bathroom out of boredom and then I went to the break room. I went back to where my manager was and she was in the middle of setting up a display. She grabbed me and said, “Let’s go!” I didn’t know where we were going but she was smiling and happy and I went with her. Me and her and four other employees loaded into an SUV and set out for some unknown place. All of the women were black or Hispanic and there were two guys, both white. One was younger than me, cute and very sweet.

I started out in the back passenger’s side seat and rode by the window. I smiled and laughed along with them but I still felt out of place cuz I didn’t know any of them; that and the fact that I still had no idea where we were going and I was trusting my life in the hands of a driver I’d never met. I think we must’ve stopped for gas or something cuz then I was in the middle of the back seat and the cute young guy was sitting where I had been. He really liked me, I could tell, and I think he put his hand on my leg or something. We started kissing passionately and then it felt like I was kissing him and he wasn’t kissing back. He was young and naïve and all but I don’t know why he wasn’t kissing back. That left me feeling strange.

We arrived at a country music concert (?) and all of us attended for free I guess. Then we went to a workshop of some kind, where all of us and some other people were on a team working together and racing other teams to make a project of some kind. I saw Ryan up in the crowd and I glanced at him a couple of times. I know I didn’t look good in my dream because I went to the bathroom to change my shirt so I didn’t show my blubbery stomach. I found someone else’s shirt in a locker room type of place. I put it on and it looked better, I thought, than what I’d been wearing. I went back to the group and tried to take a place to help out; I’m usually more vocal in groups like this. That’s pretty much all I remember but again, I knew I shouldn’t be kissing the guy in the car. He was also at the workshop and still liked me, although I was looking at Ryan, who was younger like when I knew him. He looked so hot and when he smiled I got the butterflies like crazy!

Strange stuff, those types of dreams. I think I would get into trouble with someone I used to know than a stranger I’d just met. I can just tell that people I know or that remind me of someone I knew are the ones that would get me messed up. I’m clearly obsessed with my past in some way because I keep having these dreams.

Today the guys went to a gun show at Jim Miller Park. I think that’s in Marietta, where the North Georgia State Fair is held. I told Josh they should take my Dad’s huge knives. Josh said they’re illegal cuz of the length and they probably have a metal detector when people go into the place. It would still be cool for Tate to have taken them there but Josh joked, “They would put him in jail; he’s just real little.” 

Now the Internet is all slow and shutting off again. I wonder if AT&T is working on the lines for U-verse or something (ya right, on Sunday?). Ok, a bit later and now it’s back up again. I just looked at Jericho’s profile and she is a tattoo artist. She looks weird and stuff, pierced lip in two places and I think an eyebrow. She was giving her mom a tattoo in one picture.

Speaking of mom’s, my Mom has now started getting rides to and from the meeting with the older sisters in the congregation. She told me they asked her when she is going to take her turn driving. She told them she doesn’t have a car and I want to give them gas money because of it; it’s not fair otherwise. She made it sound like the whole thing made her feel very out of place and I know none of them would ever want to make her feel that way.

I have to form a hatred for food again. I have to shut off my senses to food mattering at all to me anymore. When my head isn’t bad I want to workout. It’s just so discouraging to go to WW when I know I actually tried for a week and lost nothing, not even an ounce. At least I didn’t gain either, so that’s good but still, I’ve only gained since I’ve been going there, something to the tune of about 6 pounds or 4 maybe. That SUCKS!

I mopped the tile floor downstairs and then each of the kids did and now it looks cruddy. It dried with mud marks/dirt marks in it. It still smells musty down here to me. At least it doesn’t smell dirty from when we had an unclean houseguest.

I’m trying to drink water today and I had a 7 point breakfast Hot Pocket. It’s only one more point than the protein bars I usually eat. I think the bars are more filling though. Now I’m watching 30Rock and it’s funny as always. I just suck that I gained this much weight. I was so determined to look kick-ass and never gain any weight and clearly I was not determined enough. I went to Alabama when my Dad died and since Josh wasn’t there I guess I ate like a total pig and gained weight, fast. I’m sure Jael’s happy because before she quit GPB I told her I wasn’t going to gain the weight back. She can just look at me and feel good cuz I’m a fat slob again; even more reason for her not to have to talk to me. She is an elder’s wife, however, and she shouldn’t be dissing me anywhere, especially the Kingdom Hall. Whatever, why do I need her approval anyway? I don’t and she’d never give it so what’s the freakin’ point?

There are so many people I knew from Seattle that are not in the truth now. Only Amy H. appears to be but she does not dress like it or seem to act like it. Her comments are strange and she’s “friends” with a bunch of people from high school and stuff. Who wouldn't want to be her friend now with the way she looks? She has it all on the outside - as plastic as ever. She has had a boob job, she's tan and has long, platinum blond hair. She definitely tries to look sexy, like a MILF; that’s how she’d be described. She wears tight stuff, just like her mom used to and now she’s her mom’s age when I knew them! Kathy has cancer now though and they removed a grapefruit-sized tumor from inside her organs. She has had chemo and I think radiation. Cookie will have a bunch more radiation treatments.

My head is bad today but I need to get on the elliptical while the guys are gone; I don’t like being looked at, let alone watched. I don’t like going out in public because I look so bad. The kids know that I’m fat even though Tate says he doesn’t think I am. He’s so sweet but I want to look good for them too. I don’t want to embarrass them. I know in 2007 I looked awesome but they don’t really seem to remember that, like they don’t remember me having long hair before either.

The Internet is really irritating me! I’m going to go change out the laundry and make popcorn. Peace.

1.24.10

2010-01-22T18:26:00.001-05:00

I finished my to-do list (+ more) yesterday and today. Woo hoo!

Friday 1.22.10

2010-01-22T15:33:00.001-05:00

At least a few times per week I get a list from my husband. He usually just puts basic things or stuff I might forget otherwise.

Where do they supposedly get the pictures on case files for TV shows? They always have a plain background, sometimes 8"x10" glossies in perfect resolution. It sure is handy that they always have these and they don't explain how.

I am sick of my fat self! I used to look so good and now I do not. I have to buckle my butt down and get to work losing weight and working out! I suck.

SLM 1.22.10 @ 3:33 PM

My Dream, a Movie and More Stuff

2010-01-21T09:08:00.020-05:00

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

This is going to be a very long read. It's the longest blog entry I've written yet.

I have a headache today buddy, yep. Lately it has been worse but in the whole scheme of things, the same, and better than some times have been. It's just not nice lately, not kind. :o/ Like today, it's getting progressively worse as I sit here.

I'm listening to blip.fm to hear the latest songs people have put on there. Sometimes I listen to my full playlist of songs I know I'll like. While I write the next section, about my dream, I am listening to Death Cab For Cutie - Transatlanticism.

The other night I dreamed about a guy I used to know and never crushed on or anything. Actually, I was his first crush and he cried when I didn't show any interest in him, I remember that. I felt awful for breaking his heart. He married early, like at 18 or 19 and he has three kids now. I found him on Facebook in late'09 and wrote him a message. He's stayed in touch and he was surprised I was like I am; he said he thought I'd be a snob. Ha!

He and I hung out as platonic friends during junior high and some in high school. He snuck into my bedroom window to hang with my friend Leah (his girlfriend at the time). He also came over and slipped in the window to hang with me. We never kissed or anything like that; we weren't that kind of 'hanging out' ever. Once, we told each other (by my request, I'm sure) that if one of us was ever hooked up to life support and couldn't communicate and we were miserable and there was no hope, that we would pull the plug for the other person.

That sounds deep and awful I know, but I dread ever being in that position. Whether I was aware of what's going on around me or not, I would never want to be stuck like that. My sister was like that, in a coma, hooked up to machines to make her breathe. I was 7 and it scared the snap out of me; I knew that wasn't really her laying there but I felt like she was in pain and I remember kissing her cheek and then the next I knew she was gone, dead, which I didn't understand at the time.

Anyway, back to the dream...me and this guy were way more than friends. It was real time and I was happily married to my now husband with two kids. This guy found me somehow and we had not seen each other in about 18 or 19 years. We were naturally surprised and we hugged a long time. Back to real life...this guy was always there for me with a ready smile when my Dad was drunk and raging or passed out and my Mom was drunk and yelling that I was a bitch that she wished were never born. This guy's house and family were my refuge. He didn't have a perfect family by any stretch of the imagination, but their place was somewhere I could go (the projects) and be happy and feel like part of a family.

So in the dream, the hug gave me the chills, butterflies, all of that. We had just been friends before and I knew that in the dream but I was feeling things I had never felt before. He was very tall and he stood over me and hugged me and it was somehow wonderful. He was very rich in my dream and he wanted to take me away so that we could be together. We even flew together.

We were trying to get away somewhere. We came to a precipice and he jumped to the next place, flying, and beckoned me to come with him. I was scared but I did and we rushed away to get to safety. He had this huge office building with stainless steel everywhere. He had people protecting him, body guards, and he assigned two to watch me right as we walked onto the top floor. He was the ultimate gentleman. We never even kissed but he held me since I was scared. Someone was after us to get him away from me and he was going to fight for me. This was the whole "knight in shining armor" feeling I was getting.

We went into the big office building he owned and up to the top floor. Now I knew it was my Mom after us, rushing, speeding to catch me and tear me away from him. He would not have that so he sealed off his top floor with the highest security and we looked out the window to see my Mom coming fast toward us. It was scary even though it sounds silly but I was full of so much emotion, so much feeling for this guy who was treating me like a queen and personally watching over me. He had his arm around me while he told other people, with authority in his voice, to do certain things to take care of me and secure things. He hugged me again and I felt such a rush. In my dream I wanted to be with him.

The dream left me feeling warm and loved and with a little catch in my throat the whole time. I had this feeling of trepidation; I knew it wouldn't work because I had a family (and he does too but in my dream he did not have anyone because he had waited all of this time for me). I kept wanting this time with him to never end but I knew it could not be real for us. I was very sad and somehow, just before I woke up, we were torn apart, separated forever.

All during that day after waking up from the dream, I was unable to forget that dream. I had this feeling with me all day, that feeling of separation after being protected. It made me feel almost that the dream was real, except if it had been, I would have been filled with much more dread and guilt, knowing it would never work for us.

It never seems to make sense that I dream these kind of dreams. I would never cheat on my husband, emotionally or otherwise. I just feel this unrequited love feeling, a fantasy infatuation that seems like it could go somewhere but I know that it cannot because of my family. I have always had that feeling with every guy I knew. It was mostly my religion holding me back in one way or another but now my religion is my way of life and the two are not separated. It does not hold me back from anything that is for my own good; it just frees me from the badness of the world.

It's just the feeling that wouldn't go away. It's not even that the dream seemed real, just that I was left with this...feeling all day.

Now to the "More Stuff" section - My Mom: The other night I called my Mom at the assisted living facility to see how she was feeling. Earlier in the day she had mentioned her blood sugar was off and she was feeling shaky and 'out-of-it' so I wanted to make sure she was ok.

When I called her she was ok and talked about ordinary stuff. Then she got all serious and said, "Sharon, I want to know something..." ooh sounds scary. Well she wanted to know why her mail is being forwarded, yet again, and the same issues she has talked about before. However this time she got irate; she was really venting about how we "dumped her there to rot." Hm, no, not really but ok.

She wanted to know why we didn't talk about it first, giving her warning that she would be living somewhere else. I told her that it would not have mattered how we had said it or when - 1 day, 1 week or 1 month ahead of time, she still would have been too overwhelmed to handle it. That and the fact that she would have made it a standoff and physically refused to go. The last part I did not mention to her. She got worked up about things and I just got quiet. There was more I could have said but it wouldn't have done any good. She finally said something like, "Aw go to hell" or something similar and then the call was disconnected. I wanted to eat the phone but I was not mad or anything, I was actually pretty calm.

A few days later she called to say she needed a ride. She was completely different and quite friendly actually. This just leads me to believe that she was being nice because she wants something. It's sad that I had to think that way but realistically, I do.

During this conversation she asked if I thought she had hung up on her the other night. I said that yes, I did think so. She said that she didn't hang up on me and that it had gone quiet and that she had called, "Sharon...Sharon..." several times and then the line went dead. She said that happens to her a lot. It does happen with cell phones but it was just interesting timing is all.

The Movie - The Boy in the Striped Pajamas: Ok, I rented this movie, which I always seem to do (pick...unique movies). I didn't read about it and knew nothing about it at all; I just wanted to be surprised and the rating was ok so I rented it. It took me about two weeks to finally take the time to watch it. I wish I had watched it from beginning to end. When I watched the end, it was after the emotional impact of my recent dream (above) and that did not help matters any (more sadness, more empty feelings of loss than if I had watched it before my dream).

In the movie, the 8-year-old boy of a military commander moves out to a country home with a wrought iron gate protecting it. It's during the time of the Hitler regime and soldiers are all around the boys' home. His parents are protecting the family and not telling the kids the truth about what's going on. The kids have a tutor come to their home so that they don't even have to go out of the protective walls.

The whole time, it's like you're watching things through the bright blue eyes of this little boy, curious about everything around him. He has so many questions about the strange things that are going on, like the "farm" that he sees across the woods from his window. One day he ventures over to the place (which is a concentration camp housing Jews) and he sees a young boy sitting and facing toward an electric barbed wire fence. He befriends this boy and starts brining him things to eat.

One day they play checkers, the incarcerated boy playing by word through the barbed wire. You get this incredible feeling of sadness because you cannot even feel the same emptiness that the little boy must feel in that inhumane, murderous place. Not long after this day (and skipping through some things) the boy learns that his family is going to be moving. He cannot rectify the fact that the boy on the other side of the fence doesn't have a family with jobs and vacation time and freedom. Each boy knows his current situation and cannot imagine the other side of the fence that separates them.

The mother learns what is going on nearby at the camp and she is horrified. She begins to decline and shows her clear defiance to the military action and the whole thing. She wants to leave and take the children and the parents are heard arguing a lot while the kids comfort each other. The father sits down with just the children and asks them what they would think about moving. The daughter is fine with it but the little boy now doesn't want to move because he has a friend.

The boy goes to tell his friend that he's going to be moving the next day. As young boys are characteristically, there is no sadness or much reaction to this news. They just take it in as part of life, which is even more heartbreaking for the trapped young boy. That day, the Jewish boy tells the other one that he cannot find his father anywhere in the camp. The boy on the other side of the fence decides he needs to come into the camp and help find his friend's father. They arrange to meet back the next day so that the boy can wear prison/camp clothing and blend in while they search "like an adventure".

The next day, moving day, the boy brings a shovel and digs a hole so that he can slip under the electric barbed wire fence. They run into the camp and the boy asks if there is a cafeteria or something. The Jewish boy sortof laughs and says there is no place like that in this place they are now. They keep looking for the father and they are in one of the bedding facilities when there is a loud crash are all of the people, including them, are cordoned off in the rain to another area by soldiers. The boy says that they are probably in here to wait for the rain to stop.

They are instructed to remove their clothing and someone says not to worry, "it's just a shower". Oh this awful feeling in my stomach. The men, the boys too, are all smashed into a gas chamber and just at the end, the little boys hold hands to comfort each other.

All this while the parents have been searching for the boy with guards and they find his secret path to where he would go to visit his friend by the fence. The military father busts into the camp and calls out for his son. The mother hears that cry and knows her son is gone. The father arrives near the gas chamber as soon as the horrible event is over and stands there, looking horrified. I can't help but think that the father caused his son's death by the same thing he was supporting all along, the same murderous action on other human beings. Someone's sons died, two little boys from different worlds who never had a chance. The parents, in their fine home, never knew the little Jewish boy, never knew his name or where he lived before being put in that horrendous place.

It was so heartbreaking and had I known ahead of time, I would not have watched that movie. I felt so badly afterwards and wished I could get it out of my head.

Wow, what do you talk about after that, right? How about that fact that it doesn't make any sense to pay so much money for a device that just tells the time, however accurately. It is ridiculous what people will spend on watches; they cost more than a decent car - way more. What for? Greed? Basically, ya.

I am slowly getting over the dream but I keep getting a pinch of it every now and then. It will eventually fade and another one will take its place, as they always do.

For now, I have to pee. Peace outie.

SLM 1.21.10 @ 11:53 AM

2010-01-18T16:18:00.001-05:00

having fun at Monkey Joe's with the kids & a friend www.monkeyjoes.com/

2010-01-17T14:18:00.001-05:00

my head is bad today :o(

2010-01-17T13:51:00.001-05:00

Laser Cats 5 on SNL! http://ping.fm/bB3zW

1/17/10

2010-01-17T13:13:00.002-05:00

It's interesting how we're shaped by past experience and people in our lives. It can be, of course, for the good or the bad.

For instance, when we think of a name for our new baby, we think about the name and the memories it conjures up. If we knew someone with a particular name, it shapes our thoughts about that name and why we do or do not like the name. Interesting.

1/17/10 @ 1:13 PM

2010-01-09T00:20:00.001-05:00

Mm...flannel sheets in winter

January 8, 2010

2010-01-08T17:29:00.008-05:00

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Today I called to find out if I needed to dispute a credit card charge for my brother's recent hotel stay (and leeching indecent) in Georgia. He came over from Alabama to basically get more money from my Mom. He had her withdraw all of the funds from three accounts at her bank and then close them (for what reason, I don't know). So that is what prompted us to go to the assisted living place and talk to my Mom the other night and ask her about why her bank accounts were closed.

I would have needed to dispute the credit card charge to the hotel if my brother had signed it, since he's not on the credit card account. But I talked to the woman who works at the hotel desk and she said my brother took the card out and paid the $112.00 but he had his "grandmother" sign for it. It's actually his mother but she is elderly, so maybe the woman thought it was his grandmother.

If he had signed the charge slip, we would have gone after him for the money. As it is, he will have to pay her styling bills if she wants to get her hair and nails done. That's what I told the caretaker at the assisted living place where she lives. That's also where my mom's salon is. She doesn't access her money so she wouldn't get money from anywhere else but Brian to pay her salon bill.

They continue to do things that are frustrating. He wrote some letters to me and he sent them to my Mom and not me. In the letters, he said he was going to mail me a copy. Then when he found out she lives where she does, he was going to send me a more forceful & hideous letter. The letters were slanderous; they were filled with malicious things. My brother said that he no longer considered me his sister, nor should I be considered my mother's daughter. He thought a lot about the things he said, it was obvious.

My husband always says not to put things down in writing; it can come back to bite you later and it is clear proof that something was stated. He's right and it can be a mistake - a regrettable one.

He wrote a bunch of dumb stuff in his letters and he lied too. He used obviously excessive terms and he was downright rude throughout. The letters made one thing clear - we don't want anything more to do with him. This is how I've felt for a long time but I think now my husband is getting how I felt before; Brian is not worth our time or anything else. Josh always wanted to prevent any family difficulty by evicting Brian from the house where he is just a tenant, (he's just a tenant since my Mother and father's name are on the mortgage; my dad is dead and my mom is in assisted living, with me as her legal guardian and conservator).

The other night it was fun cuz my husband took me to the Cavalia horse show. It was amazing and well worth the money. He took me out to dinner beforehand and I was loving it. I had a beer and then a Manhattan, which rocked. We left the place and I was buzzin'. I wanted to get another drink and I thought that because we were on a date too it would be cool. Although he said that no I couldn't because I had just had a beer and another drink so I should be fine.

There was a cheesecake restaurant with a bar and I thought it would be a great place to hang out until the show started, an hour away. Alas, it did not work out so my drink faded into oblivion while we sat and waited for the place to open so we could go into the show. It was enjoyable and a great show. It was very fun to hang out with my husband and be on a date. We don't do that often enough and we really should.

Now we just keep going with the same expectation as before; my Mom and Brian will continue their deceptive and awful behavior and we'll just deal.

S.L.M. 1.8.10 @ 5:29 PM

January 2, 2010

2010-01-02T18:09:00.004-05:00

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Ha! When I first typed the title of this post, I mistyped the year. I am sure that will happen plenty more times. It is hard to believe that it's 2010 but each year seems to go by faster than the last.

The last few days, the kids have had friends over to play and spend the night. It was a blast and they had fun inside and outside. We went to an indoor jumping place and that was fun. We were all hungry while we were there and there was no food on site. We ordered a large pizza from Domino's and the jumping place had a 2 liter for us to drink. There was myself, my two sons and their three friends. We were hungry, bigtime, so the pizza was divvied up to the very last crumb. The Sprite was also down to the last drop between everyone. It was fun and I don't think any of us would have had it any other way.

My Mom talked with Josh when we were at the assisted living place until 9 pm the other night. She bs'd him and outright lied several times. We originally went in the six of us but she was making me mad and I kept talking loud and fast because I was angry. Josh and my Mom mentioned that the kids were hearing what we were saying and that it was bad. Josh told me to shush and I did but then she lied again and I started up. Josh told me to be quiet again and I did and then my Mom said she was going to respect Josh's wishes and not talk about it anymore. Oh, how sweet that SHE was going to stop talking. She never respected his wishes before! Also, she didn't stop talking about what she wanted to say like she said she would.

It was frustrating because she was being so belligerent about the whole thing. There is no reasoning with her and I told her that. She kept diverting questions to Brian, my brother living out of state. I asked my Mom why she closed her accounts. It was not enough to withdraw all of her money for Brian but she closed the accounts! She just told me I'll have to ask Brian. I said, "No, it was YOUR name on the signature slips, not Brian's; he has nothing to do with this!" I was hot and she was belligerent and it was not going anywhere. Even if/when you catch her in a lie she still plays it off and denies the whole thing.

I'm looking forward to 4:00 p.m. meetings starting this Sunday. It will be strange to be in the meeting during the dinner hour again but it will be better than other times we've had.

On Facebook I really like to play FarmVille and Cafe World. They are just fun and innocent although a colossal waste of time.

I've been taking sleeping pills lately almost every night just to get rested. I go to bed and I cannot fall asleep or I cannot stay asleep. The neurologist gave me something that knocks me on my butt and I can't wake up in the morning, even with half a pill. That's not the typical reaction I have to pills of any kind but this stuff did it to me good. Those pills are fine, if I take one at about 6:30 or 7:00 p.m. and no later!

For a while I was drinking cinnamon gingerbread coffee in the mornings and that was good. I especially like the amaretto creamer mixed in. I have gone back to Weight Watchers and I am trying to watch my weight but I have really been slacking lately. So I figure that with each creamer at only 10 calories, I should be ok with one or two of them.

My head seems like it has been worse lately; well no, it actually has been worse lately! It's like nothing around the house changes when it's really REALLY bad. I wish I could just go to bed in a quiet, cool room but my husband is of the belief that I'll "survive" so why bother pampering me like that. Sometimes it is so bad that it hurts to move my eyes and my teeth actually hurt. But alas, nothing is different on the home front, for the most part.

There will be more excitement to come...but for now, I'm going to close this post.

~Peace outie~

S.L.M. 1.2.10 @ 6:09 PM

Friends, Family & Stuff Lately

2010-01-01T12:35:00.010-05:00

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Last night Josh wanted to go to the assisted living place with the kids and their friends and visit my Mom. Part of why we went was to get her credit card and her driver's license, neither of which she needs anymore. The lady who runs the place agreed that a person going into assisted living does not need either, so off we went. The other part of the reason we went was to get her dirty, poopy comforter to have it cleaned.

I knew my husband might lock the keys in the car cuz he was highly distracted (4 kids, on the phone, stressed cuz of my Mom). Sure enough, when we finally went to leave a little after 9:00, we were locked out of the car.

Fortunately, we could wait inside where it was warm. The nice ladies let us all have crackers, cookies and ice water (the kids were parched). Three of the kids behaved themselves and one nut job kid was all over the floor and running and just acting up in general. He would not sit down when I told him firmly to do so. The others were great!

Today, the one kid who's trouble and a pain in the posterior, was supposed to wear mud boots outside. His parents are nuts about him doing anything or getting dirty or hurt, etc. They are just spastic parents in general. So Josh told Seth that in order to play outside, the kids should all wear protective footwear. This was a very simple direction. I was in bed so I couldn't see what was going on.

After a little while, Josh and I looked out the window and lo and behold, the kid was wearing his shoes, not mud boots, and his shoes were completely goobed in mud. Josh called out to Gabe and he came up to the front porch, filthy. I took his shoes to hose them off and they were nasty, caked with red clay.

Josh was furious. He took Seth up to the front porch and called Gabe outside. I was watching as Josh told Gabe that because of Gabe not listening, Seth was going to get a spank. Because they both didn't listen and follow directions, they saw the bad side of Josh. I felt badly for Seth but the principal was still there; he did not follow simple direction.

Gabe's parents came to pick him up, after he spent the night (by my request) and the parents had a night out since it was their anniversary. So when the parents got there, they joked as usual about stuff and there was some talking. Then Josh brought up what happened with Gabe and the mud. Right away, both parents were siding with the kids and they apologized to Seth for having gotten in trouble. That, obviously was not the issue. It had nothing to do with mud or anything else, it was not listening that caused the trouble.

So the parents didn't get it at all and said how they have the same problem of mud around their house too. That proved right there that they didn't understand the thrust of the issue or the issue at all.

There is always the risk that some other parents will get mad when their child comes over to spend time; that's just a given. With us (Josh and me), it seems to be just about inevitable. We seem to unknowingly anger parents at every turn. Oh well, we just want the kids to have fun and if something accidentally happens, big deal. We can only be so careful and as good as we can as guardians. We don't take chances with any kids and ours are very well behaved. It's not worth getting undies all twisted up about kids being kids.

Hey, Gabe's dog bit Tate in the stomach and we were fine since his injury was not serious at all. Gabe's parents were petrified to tell us and scared to death what we'd think when they did. We could have freaked out and gone off on Gabe's parents. They even said something like it's OK if we were really mad at them, they would understand. Like they could have helped what their dog did, or that they would have wanted it to happen. Tate said that they put ice on the bite, ointment then another kind of ointment and then a bandage. Tate asked why they were doing all of that. He said, "I can deal with it". I love my kids so much and there's another reason why I am proud of them - for toughing something out.

Gabe's parents left not long after the dad jokingly said how awkward it was on that note. Gabe had asked for the keys to start the car; it was probably feeling a little hot in the room for him. As he was going out the door, my husband asked him if there was something he wanted to say. Gabe said, "No" and then "I'm sorry" and turned to leave. Josh asked him if what he said was the way it really went. Gabe said that it was true the way Josh said. This way, it will be harder for Gabe to lie to his parents about what happened when the parents got alone with him.

Lately, we have been getting it from several directions and I am ready to be done for a while. My head is out of control and I am going to sleep early tonight, actually right after dinner if not before. This has just been unnecessary stress.

S.L.M 1.1.10 @ 12:35 PM

The Deception and Fraud Continue

2009-12-30T12:44:00.005-05:00

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

My brother, Brian, and my Mom continue to try to make life difficult for my husband and me. They have now closed all of the bank accounts they have access to. Why they did that, I have no idea. They withdrew all of the funds from three accounts but then they closed them all.

My Mom is going along with Brian the druggie brother to get him all of the cash that they can lay their hands on. As her legal guardian, I am responsible for her funds and making sure that her bills get paid. They are both desperate to get their hands on that money, I guess to fund his drug habit, who knows. Either way, she has been deemed incompetent by a court and cannot conduct business as such. Why she is able to get into these accounts and mess around, I do not know.

They also try, together, to get into and mess around with the mortgage account through Chase. The mortgage is on a worthless house in Alabama that is upside down in a loan (the house is worth less than the amount owed on it, by like, $20,000). Brian agreed, back in April, that he needed to find another place to live but ever since then he's been paying the mortgage, or trying to, so that he can stay in that house. The house needs to go and we've applied for a deed in lieu of foreclosure from Chase. They are so backed up with foreclosures right now though, it will be a while before we see the end of this.

Brian is living in the house for free because the loan is behind about $3500.00 and he hasn't paid the mortgage in months. They could foreclose at any time but instead of finding a place to live elsewhere, Brian is scrambling around with my Mom's will, trying to change it to say that he gets everything, including the house, if my Mom dies. Even if she died, he would still have to pay the mortgage to live there, but I guess he doesn't understand that. He is useless with saving money in any way, so he could not afford to live in that house no matter what. It seems like he would want to move to a place where he didn't have any maintenance. It all comes down to laziness as to why he won't move.

Brian got really mad because I denied him access to the mortgage company. He is not on the mortgage so he doesn't have any need or right to be calling in, trying to get information. My Mom has been declared incompetent and my Dad is dead, so the only one that should be communicating with the mortgage company is me. Unfortunately, that has been difficult to convey to Chase mortgage and impossible to convey to my Mom and Brian.

Sometimes, well most of the time, I would love to trade in this legal guardianship stuff. I would like to have someone who is non-biased deal with the two of them. They just sneak so much and lie to us so much that it wears us out!

Now that her bank accounts are closed, we will not be able to get the bank records that the court needs and that I am responsible to provide, to show her deposits and withdrawals and an explanation of each. We can't go back and get those records now that the accounts are closed. They are so intelligent - what was that supposed to accomplish?!

So Brian will do anything to get money, even if it's taking his mother's last $300 from her account. He got her into the ICU three times on drug overdoses, so there seems to be nothing he won't do for money (and drugs). He's "The Biggest User" for sure!

S.L.M. 12.30.09

2009-12-26T11:13:00.002-05:00

Finally I got the mobile connection to work.

The In-Laws

2009-12-25T22:45:00.006-05:00

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

This is, unfortunately, not about the original 70's movie or anything. My boring family does not fit that funny, fast moving category. We're talking crusty, non-communicative family here.

My husband's sister invited us over for dinner the other night and tonight. It's fine with me; hey, it's free food and Wii time for the kids. It's just that it is awkward when I say something and it's as if no one even heard me. I don't pick the wrong time to say stuff, every time, it's just that most of them ignore me. Actually all of them do.

Another thing that bugs me is how when they get together, they take turns bossing the kids around. The one who doesn't have kids yet is the worst, the husband, whom I have lost respect for over the years. What business he has bossing my kids around when I'm in the room, I don't get that one. I would not do that in a million years. He's got an ego bigger than his house or his house payment, so maybe that comes with the territory, who knows.

It is annoying going to someone's house, especially when they are 'family' and they treat you like junk. I've been in the family for 15 years and they still act the same way, even more so.

Over the years I have had many complaints, most of them probably without much substance at all, but important to me at the time nonetheless. For a while things did seem to be better and maybe it was due to my outlook; I'm sure it had a lot to do with it. I lost all of that weight and I thought they would like me (HA! LMAO) but it did not work that way. I almost wonder if they thought less of me because I actually looked good. I was skinnier than when I got married and that probably just made them like me less.

Over the years we've traveled together, dined regularly together and seen each other pretty often. It seems that things would have worn in a little more, like a nice pair of leather shoes or a leather coat. At first it's all new and you're not sure exactly how it will fit but after time it takes your shape and becomes a worn-in comfortable piece of your wardrobe. That is how I would have liked it to have gone with the in-laws. Over time, it would have been great to see them feel more comfortable around me and vice versa, but it has not happened this way. It would be so nice if I felt like I could be myself more and more around them instead of less and less. It has effected me a lot because I have tried to change who I am so much over the years.

Maybe it is because they all act up tight and are not communicative at all. They deal in pleasantries and outward appearance only; no depth or substance seems to exist. They all function in their roles and go about their business. The two sisters have always done things together, as couples too. They never invite us to join them, not once. They travel, go out to dinner and enjoy other activities - not including my husband and me ever. The one brother-in-law used to make fun of my husband any chance he got. Even if Josh wasn't around, he would still say smart ass stuff to make me mad, I guess. It worked!

If they would just tell me what it is about me that they dislike so much, that would be fine. The list might take them a while to get through, but at least I would know! It's knowing someone can't stand you and not really knowing why that is insane! It is frustrating and hurtful because I don't know and I would much rather know.

There are certain things I take issue with and they have merit; it's not things I am imagining or putting too much emphasis on (but of course that's me being selfish). Things like not telling us there was a peeping tom in the neighborhood where we moved to when my sister-in-law used to live in the very same house and knew about it! We were newlyweds and had to find out the hard way; that was a life-altering experience. Why wouldn't you tell your own family what they were moving into? Psychos! They must really enjoy that one. They made the mistake of talking about the "tom" and that's how I knew they knew about the problem. Dumb and rude and completely baffling all at once.

Maybe they don't realize how hurtful they are; how rude and plastic and crusty they are. I have gotten to where I don't talk about myself or the kids or any subject which might bore them or make them have to come outside their own realm to try to understand or relate to. Who knows how much they might make fun of my husband for something they've heard he's done, like SAVED money on something. They all blow their money right and left and cannot stop teasing anyone who saves or is smart with their money. I guess that's why we're in our early 30's and we own our house and land outright and have rental property and they don't! We don't have high-paying jobs, in fact, I don't even really work. But we managed to save and even make three mortgage payments for a while.

When your own family doesn't seem to be on your side, it's hard. My flesh and blood family is not on my side but neither are my in-laws. I have it from both directions. There are people that have it so much worse though. What bugs me is that it just doesn't have to be this way. We all share the same religion and we could easily get along fine. We're not even around each other enough to get bored or irritated by each other.

It sounds very self-centered but maybe it's everything about me they don't like and that's why I'm always getting this impression from them. I know I would never choose any one of them as friends if I had the choice and wasn't related to them. My mother-in-law though, is the sweetest person I've ever met. She's never, in 15 years, ever said a bad word about anyone, really (that I can think of). She always tries to make things out to be positive.

The one brother-in-law has been physically and emotionally abusive to his wife (one of them) for years. The two of them have been separated off and on for many years. Even with all of this, they all seem to be fine with him; accepting his ways and manner and treating him just great, not saying one bad thing about him and being very hush-hush on anything negative. It's as if they can sweep the bad stuff under the rug. Oh and they do this on a regular basis. They are the model family who seem untouchable by any badness.

Maybe some day I will learn what it is they have held against me so much over the 16 years I've known them, who knows. Until then, I'll maintain my place as the outlaw with the in-laws.

S.L.M. 12.25.09

My Mom Is In An Assisted Living Facility

2009-12-24T01:47:00.003-05:00

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

A week ago today we took the plunge and put my Mom in assisted living. She said that she thought it was a nursing home but it's not. She said, "I don't belong here; everyone walks so slow!" That's her though; the invalid in her own mind. In actuality, she's quite mobile.

Many people might not understand my husband's and my decision to move my Mom. However, she has made it quite clear that she was unhappy living in our home. She had it made here and she did not appreciate it. It boils down to a matter of appreciation; I do not think she has it nor does she have the desire to acquire it. She just plain and simple has no appreciation.

She was mad when we first showed her the place, with her furniture all moved in. She has the right to be mad, I probably would too. She just should not take it out on us, her family. So she has gotten more adjusted to life in her new surroundings for a week, albeit regrettably and begrudgingly.

Up until today, I have been to see her every day for a week; today I didn't go up. The kids call her frequently to see how she is doing. Up until today, they have gone to see her every day as well. It has just worked out that way; I've taken things to her that she needs, removed things she doesn't, etc. Now I want to give her time to get settled and if she needs anything, we'll figure it out.

Assisted Living is good for my Mom because they take care of basic needs that she was not willing to do while she lived with us. Just because she is elderly, it does not mean that she was incapable of doing these things, it's just that she did not want to and would not do some simple tasks; she is a very lazy person.

Things she is doing now and hasn't for a year are: regular bathing, cleanup after using the restroom, preventative restroom measures, eating properly and regularly and taking her assigned pills on time daily. She was stubborn and regressive, much like a small child. Only we compared her coming to live with us as a rebellious teenager would be; she had baggage and she made us "pay" for her not getting her way (she even stated that).

It is a sad outcome for the kids not to have Grandma at home with them, to see every day. Seth feels badly that she is 'deserted' but he knows it is better for her there. This is a big thing for kids and I want them to feel safe and loved and know that we still love Grandma very much. We are not dumping her off on someone else or somewhere that she'll be alone and uncared for. Just the opposite, we know she'll be happier and better off where she is! For kids though, things can seem so different.

It comes down to this: she was not happy living with us and that was making us unhappy and this way we'll all be happier and she'll have more independence too.

There was no good way to break the idea to her, we just had to do it. No way of discussion would have ever worked for her. Again, I think this comes down to an issue of appreciation, or in this case, a lack of it. We decided to keep things on a positive note; I just said to her, "There's a place I'd like to show you". We referred to it as her apartment and a place she can make her own.

Now we are working on the here and now, one day at a time. At least we know it cannot get worse than it has been for the last year. Anyone who knows the details tells us how sorry they are for what we've been through and that we have done a good thing for our age by taking care of her as we have. It seems surreal to hear that said to me; I don't feel like I've done anything actually. I have to give it to my husband though - he's awesome and I honestly do not know how he does all that he does.

S.L.M. 12.24.09 @ 1:47 am

Sneaking Around - My Mom and Brother Connive

2009-12-10T00:18:00.006-05:00

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Ever since my Mom has come to live with my family (December 18, 2009 will be one year) she has been conspiring and sneaking and deceitful behind our backs.

She says my husband and I are the ones that have gone behind her back instead. It is impossibly to note all of the things my husband has done for my Mom and my brother too. He only wishes the best for them and wants peace and harmony in our family. My Mom just chooses to side with her loser son, instead of her daughter and son-in-law who show their love for her in healthy ways.

My Mom basically does not want to lose her house. That would be understandable if there were not so many factual reasons against it making sense:

The house is upside-down in a loan (it is worth less than is owed on it)
My Mom does not live in the property and has been ordered by a court of law not to ever move back there again
The house is occupied by a rental tenant - my drug addicted brother
The family, including my drug-addicted brother and (I sure thought) my Mom agreed April 21, 2009 that Brian would be moving out of the house when my Mom came to live with us. This choice was what was best for everyone, not a shocking twist.

My Mom wants the house to be 'willed' to Brian; she says that's how my Dad wanted it and that's how she wants it. She has been declared incompetent but she wants to change her will to clarify this, and also remove me from receiving anything at all should she die.

Brian, the aforementioned loser brother, has only taken from my mom and abused the relationship he has with her. He is a manipulative co-dependent, addictive enabler who is the worse thing for my mom possible.

The two of them speak on the phone 2-3 times per day about how horrible it is for her to live here. She has a gorgeous room and beautiful furniture that she picked out. She has a brand new HDTV that she also chose which matches her furniture. She lives in a one-level entry and has one step from where her car is parked to where she steps inside. All of her meals are made for her, no requirements by her, and made to her tastes and liking. She sees doctors and specialists regularly and her medication is regulated better than it ever has been.

Despite everything she does have, including an opportunity to have a close relationship with her two grandsons, she hates living here and hates my husband and me. She is disrespectful of my husband's headship. She even refuses to wash herself properly or regularly. I really think she does this non-washing to punish us. She goes up to a month or more without showering.

The ways that she and Brian have been sneaking around are numerous. She lies easily and regularly. She has gone to an attorney and sought advice from him regarding matters that should only be decided by her legal guardian. She has been sneaking around with the mortgage company because she wants to keep her house and it is not in her best interests to do so; even the attorney has told her this.

S.L.M. 12.10.09

Brothers and Sisters - Siblings

2009-12-09T10:32:00.008-05:00

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It is such an amazing thing how brothers and sisters get along, watch out for each other and never let anyone get in between them.

Siblings will fight but they make up (for the most part) and they can have the most amazing relationship that humans can experience.

To deny a kid this privilege is to take away something amazing that could be in their life. Oprah said, "The best gift you can give your child is a sibling".

There is a lot of advice out there about kids, when to have them, how many to have, how far apart to space them, it is endless. What it boils down to is what is best for the family - yours and mine.

I would never change having had older brothers, most of all my brother next up from me who is 8 years older. He was my closest friend for many years and it broke my heart when he didn't talk to me for several. I had to realize that I was who I wanted to be and he had made this choice.

Because we were siblings, I knew things about him that no one else could ever know. He helped me through some serious stuff and even gave me a place to live when I moved out of my parents'. He always wanted to get me out of that bad environment. For that I will always be grateful.

My kids have each other and I am so happy. They have a gift that they could receive no other way.

Thank you Joshua.

S.L.M. 12.9.09 @ 11:31

My Good Friend

2009-11-27T15:16:00.005-05:00

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Sometimes it is really true that your friends can be there with you through thick and thin, the good times and the bad. I have a friend like that and I am proud, privileged and humbled to be viewed as her friend.

My good friend's name is Paula and she is a tough woman. She has been through a lot has been wronged many times in her life. However, she is well known and adored by countless people. I tell her that she could deal with celebrity because she basically does; everyone loves her and she is surrounded almost anywhere at the mall. If people don't love her, they have to deal with her because she makes it a point that they do. She likes a good challenge any day of the week.

Anyway, we have been through some tough times together and we're still close. This is a shout-out to you Paula ("LadyBug") - I love you!

S.L.M. 11.27.09 @ 3:16 PM

He Is A Loser

2009-11-25T21:55:00.006-05:00

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My brother is a loser. He is hooked on who knows how many drugs but he started taking methadone for other pain killer addictions. I don't know how but he got addicted to methadone. He admitted to taking five at once when he was told by his doctor that he could take two at once, at most.

My brother can't seem to move on in life. He has always been dependent on someone, usually family. He cannot get out of his lazy mode and find a decent living.

My husband tries to help him. A few weeks ago, he bailed his sorry ass out of jail on a DUI charge. My husband said he did not even recognize my brother; the only way he knew who he was is that my brother walked over and shook his hand.

My husband said that my brother was gaunt, bug-eyed, nervous looking and smelly. He said the guy looked just like all of the other vagrants at the jail. My brother's face had big scabs on it where he had picked and scratched, typical of meth users. He has a big gaping wound on the back of his neck where he continues to pick and pick and scratch down into several layers of skin. He had dog breath and his hands shook fiercely.

He had a permanent scowl on his face, my husband said, like he hated the world in general. He rambled on and on and could not seem to remember small connections in conversation or even important memories he should have. He was paranoid and repetitive; over and over he said he was not on any "prescription medication" when he was pulled over and later cuffed and brought to the jail. Well, maybe it was street stuff he was on then, who knows.

Sadly enough, my Mom has been swallowed into all of this out of "love" and "concern" for her son. She loves him so much that she is the ephemeral codependent enabler. She would stop at nothing for him; risking and doing everything she possibly could solely for him. Her behavior is strange (a symbionic relationship is what I call it).

I am falling asleep as I write this and I really want to just go ahead and publish it so I will write more in addition to this later.

S.L.M. 11.25.09

Throwing Up Is Not For Me, Right Now Anyway

2009-11-07T14:20:00.006-05:00

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I am very unhappy with my current weight. I previously lost 90 lbs. with Weight Watchers and I was very happy then.

My husband never did seem to be 100% happy with me though, even when I was very thin. We went on a cruise when I was my tiniest and he was very watchful over what I ate, reminding me not to eat too much or what not to eat. I was on a cruise for crying out loud! I wanted to eat all of the special stuff I might never have again!

Anyway, the cruise was about a year-and-a-half ago and those days are long gone. My Dad died July 9, 2008 and since then I have packed on the pounds. My Mom was addicted to drugs, living out of state with my drug-addicted brother, and she ended up in the ICU three times in a few months' time. So, December 18, 2008 (almost a year ago now) she came to live with me and my family. The court had appointed me her legal guardian and conservator, which has its own fun set of problems and challenges. How many people are the legal guardian and conservator of a non-minor? Try that one on.

Since my Mom has moved in, there has been so much stress that it has lent to my headaches being worse and my weight gain in general. It is easy to make excuses and I could have just as easily not eaten to deal with the emotional pain but I made the decision to eat my way through my ordeal.

I got to where I would sneak food when my husband was not home or not looking even. I was drinking a lot these last few months and I know that made me gain more weight as well. Something had to be done so I thought about it.

A few months ago I started making myself throw up after meals or snacks to try to lose weight. I even researched this on the Internet. I wanted to enjoy the foods but not keep them down, plain and simple. I knew there had to be a simple way to get myself to throw up so that I would not have to gain weight but lose weight instead.

I am not the kind of person that can gag easily or throw up with my finger down my throat. I had seen an episode of "Intervention" where a girl used a toothbrush handle, which she would put down her throat and wiggle to get herself to barf. I tried and that worked for a very short time.

Next, I went to the drug stores in the area, searching for syrup of ipecac. Unfortunately, this is no longer sold for the very reason I was hunting it down. Online, I found the same thing, "This product is no longer available". So I was left with making myself throw up with whatever means possible.

One thing I did learn is to drink plenty of water or Coke with whatever I planned to throw up (dinner, snacks, etc.) Dry puking is just way too hard, and particularly yucky.

The whole process of barfing does not bother me. I would get into a routine where I would remove my glasses, put my hair back and take off my shirt so I wouldn't get any spew on it. Then I would just stick my finger down my throat and throw up - simple as that. Pretty soon, though, one finger didn't work anymore. Then I started using two fingers and this did the trick; I had a workable solution.

There was never a sense of "relief" or "empowerment" for me before, during or after vomiting. I did feel like, "Just wait, I'll be looking good and you won't know what hit you."

My husband is the type where nothing goes unnoticed, so I needed a reason to be throwing up often. For a while it was that I might be sick, because my son had the H1N1 virus. That excuse wore off and it became about the stress of my mom. Whenever we would sit down for a meal, I would excuse myself and throw up, if I had eaten anything right before dinner.

Soon it got to where I could eat, excuse myself and throw up after every dinner. I didn't eat much because I wanted to lose weight. I would throw up during the day after meals and snacks as well. It was a seemingly great idea to be able to eat and taste and enjoy food and then be able to puke it up without adding calories to my body. I never got exhausted or anything but I did feel my chest hurt a few times. That happens regularly anyway, it's just that I have heard horror stories of heart problems and "bulimia".

What I was doing was not bulimia, I feel; I didn't binge (overeat) and then purge (throw up). I just threw up whenever I wanted and usually after a small amount of food.

Throwing up after eating is messy, stinky and time-consuming. By that I mean that you have to plan for it and make excuses for it and it just cannot go on in the long run. Eventually, I knew I had to come up with a better plan.

When I lost a bunch of weight on Weight Watchers from '06 to '07, it was by eating all normal foods in very reasonable portions (until the end of when I looked good, when I was eating 700 calories or so a day to maintain a size 6 body on my 5'10" frame). Once, my brother-in-law asked me what weight I was down to and I told him 147 pounds and he said, "You weigh that much?" Yeah, smartass, and I was proud of it too!

Now I am not puking anymore after meals but that's not to say I wouldn't try it again in the future. I know I have emotional eating problems and coping difficulties and I just have to learn how to pinpoint them and turn them around is all I guess.

S.L.M. 11.7.09

My Brother, the Methadone Abuser, In Jail

2009-11-02T14:19:00.010-05:00

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What a loser! My brother, Brian, landed himself in jail on Friday night. Just so you know, I have nothing against methadone and'/or the people who take it.

A Bit of Background

My brother is addicted to methadone. He was in a car accident in 1995 in which he lost his left elbow. He now uses his arm but he only has tendons holding it in place (he did not have it fused at a 45 degree angle, as one doctor recommended). Since his accident, he has been on strong pain killers of one kind or another. He became addicted to opiates/narcotics sometime since 1995. He now takes methadone and has for at least four years, likely more. He has become highly addicted, taking at least 5 methadone at one time that I knew of, and this was years ago.

Brian owns his own window cleaning business. He is not reliable and he is generally lazy and he procrastinates on almost anything he does. He is a generally nice person, he just cannot ever get his act together.

Since Brian was 18, almost exclusively, he has lived with one family member or another. If he lived on his own, it was never for a year at a time (never that long of a duration).

Brian Coping
My father died in July 2008 and that was a big blow to Brian. Brian said our Dad was his best friend and he made it clear that coping with life was never going to be the same without my Dad being there for Brian. It was sad to see Brian crushed from my Dad's death. However, my Dad was a serious enabler and co-dependent (he himself died of a drug mixture and overdose). Before his death, my Dad was physically bent over, literally, and still went out and did work with Brian to make it "easier" for Brian's business. My Dad was in awful shape financially but he was constantly lending Brian money. My Dad co-signed on a car loan with Brian and allowed Brian to live rent-free in my Dad's basement. Anything for Brian; anything he whimpered about or needed, he was given full attention and means to accomplish his goal.

Many families have a leach somewhere: a sibling, aunt, uncle, whatever. We all know how taxing it can be on the whole family when one person just cannot seem to move on in life and appears to need others around them constantly - either emotionally or financially. That is just how Brian is, and I would say he is taxing in both ways to our family.

My Mom and Brother

My Mom moved in with our family of four (my husband, myself and our two kids) in December 2008. She was 30-40 pounds underweight and addicted to various narcotics. She, too, was taking methadone, although she did not need it for anything. One of her worse additions was to soma. She also took several other drugs daily, in large doses, which made her non-functioning as a regular person.

My Mom and brother have a strange relationship and they are not good for each other. More than ever, she is convinced that Brian needs to have someone from the family with him, caring for him at all times. He is about to turn 45 years old and he has no physical needs that she can assist him with.

Just today I instant messaged my husband that I feel badly about my Mom; sometimes I want to make her laugh or I feel sorry for her. He wrote this back: "we knew she was a miserable sob when she came; we thought if we got her cleaned up from the drugs she would eventually come around - but she is so addicted to brian they will never grow out of there world (ever) they love it that way. I wish something could be done for her. But think about what a normal person/mother would do in her circumstances. They would pitch in and do something too and not expect everyone to do something for them. She is unhappy by her own choice. All she wants to do is think about what she does not have instead of what she does have. It brings her misery because that is what she loves!"

Our Family Now
My Mom still lives with my family, my husband and two sons. Just recently she told Brian that she does not want to be around any of us, that she hates my husband and me. I was raised by her and I know how she hates me but to know that she hates my husband makes me feel bad. She treats my husband disrespectfully. She intentionally does not shower so that she can annoy us. She does not attend our religious gatherings intentionally and without any reasons. She just makes it clear that she does not want to be around us, period.

My Mom is happy only if she is with my brother. She's only wants to be with him and she acts as though her complete happiness depends on my loser brother.

S.L.M. 11.30.09

2009-09-29T22:36:00.001-04:00

I'm a "lazy fat-ass dipstick" that "can't get anything right".

My sign

2009-09-01T15:53:00.001-04:00

Yellowstone National Park & the Tetons Mountain Range

2009-08-19T16:46:00.012-04:00

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We took a family vacation to Yellowstone from 8-6-09 to 8-15-09 and it was great! We went to the Tetons, the Flaming Gorge and we swam in the Great Salt Lake besides Yellowstone National Park.

We flew to SLC and then we rented a Toyota Sienna, which I liked very much; we all liked did. It had one power side door and side/backseat windows that actually went down. There were cup holders everywhere and I have come to appreciate cup holders more in a vehicle now. There was enough so that almost every person in our party had two cup holders each.

It was fun swimming in the Great Salt Lake, something worth experiencing. The kids and my husband really enjoyed it. I have been there before and swam in the lake when I was younger.

The scenery at Yellowstone was amazing. I loved the waterfalls and the wild animals in their own, natural lives. The scenery was breathtaking; I had no idea how much water flows through the park.

Yellowstone National Park is very touristy. It costs a lot to just eat inside the park. We decided, before entering the park, that we would purchase fruit, bottled water and soda at a grocery store. I am glad we did that because it saved us a bunch of money. There were shops to buy souvenirs everywhere. In fact, I saw the word "souvenirs" so often that I actually thought it was misspelled.

At one point, I was trying to take a picture within Yellowstone, from the van ,while we were moving (out the window) and we were at a stop-and-go pace, barely moving. One construction worker yelled at me, "You're holding up the world!" C'mon now man! Like it's that big of a deal and I was NOT holding up the world. We were moving and that's how it was, final. I yelled "Whatever" out the window but I doubt he heard me - dummy. It just makes me feel better to say that.

Anyway, we had a wonderful vacation and it was planned out very nicely. My husband had an itinerary planned for each day, including where we were going to spend each night. We drove some days for about 5 hours and that was it; we had plenty of time to rest and enjoy our planned activities.

I would recommend Yellowstone to anyone. The Tetons were so wonderful - I had never really known what they were! That is very naive, I know, but I am just being honest. My Mom didn't know what the Tetons were either. We said, "Look, the Tetons" and my Mom said, "Pecans, where?" We were laughing cuz we told her what and where they were and she thought it was funny as well.

No one can really explain the magnificent beauty and splendor of Yellowstone, nor could they explain why everyone who can should try to see it. I hope you get a chance to go!

S.L.M. 8.21.09 @ 2:23 PM

My Elderly Mother Does Not Like Living With Me

2009-06-13T15:45:00.008-04:00

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I can only imagine what it would be like to live with me. I would not be as nice as my Mom has been to me.

The reason she has to live here is because I am the legal guardian and conservator to a non-minor (my mother). I am my mother's caregiver and my goal is to look out for her best interests daily, however, I am sure she would tell you differently.

The reason my mother lives with me is this: While addicted to drugs herself, she was in the ICU for the 3rd time in a few months and while living with my drug-addicted brother. The ICU doctor made it evident that she was not going to go back into that situation and that she either had to now live with another willing family member or be placed in a state institution (elderly home). I made it clear she would be coming home with us.

It is evident that she does not like living with me. She has said so to my brother and other family members and she has made it abundantly clear to me. I don't blame her for feeling this way because she has had many changes in her life recently.

My Dad died July 9, 2008 and that was shocking to my Mom. My parents were married 55 years shortly before my Dad's death. My Mom describes her decline as 'not taking care of herself' because of her husband's death. She has been an addict as long as I have known her (alcoholic) and she started abusing narcotics about 5-1/2 years ago.

At 76, my Mom has gone through two detox processes in our home. I am and always have been more than willing to care for my mother's needs, despite her addictions. Fast forward to now.

Now my Mom uses any opportunity she can to make it clear that she does not like living in our home. She gives me the silent treatment, doesn't talk with my kids much and shows a general disdain for the household & family. It is really getting old.

Everyone tells me it will get better and even that it has to get worse before it gets better. Hmm...I am wondering how this advice is a)helpful or b)true at this point. It has gotten worse and I don't see it getting better until she has 'her way'. She even told me, in front of my husband, "You're going to be sorry". Yeah well, she is right on that point for sure!

Elderly Health Care for an Addict

2009-06-12T15:23:00.007-04:00

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My elderly mother moved in with my husband and me and our kids in December 2008. When she did, there came many changes in what we are used to in our family, including Medicare and a slew of doctors and medical things and even detox, twice.

Today I transferred her 14 prescriptions from a Rite Aid pharmacy to a Kroger pharmacy. By doing this, I hope to save a lot of money. For instance, one prescription of Lyrica was $138.48 at Rite Aid, and that was after repeated attempts to file through Medicare and AARP supplemental insurance coverage. We shall see what the savings is with Kroger.

The other night, my Mom had to go to the emergency room with what we thought may have been a spider bite. She had severe pain emanating from her big toe. It was dark red then purplish and swelling up to her ankle. The ER doctor dismissed the bite concept and said it was either gout or an infection. He did not do an x-ray or bloodwork (in fact, no testing whatsoever) but sent her home with a shot and pain pills, even though she's an addict, (She has had severe problems with recent detox and is elderly so she is even more affected by narcotics).

We left the ER with the ER doctor's narcotics prescription. We went to a 24-hour CVS to fill the prescription. I provided my Mom's Medicare insurance information and AARP supplemental prescription coverage card when filling the prescriptions., as always The pharmacist incorrectly thought that her ss number was on the front of the Medicare card. When that was cleared up, the claim went through correctly and the two prescriptions were very cheap; one was $3.18 and the other was $3.42 - I was impressed.

We followed up with an appointment to her PCP (Primary Care Physician) the next day. He did an x-ray and said there was a swelling on her bone. I saw the x-ray and it was clearly evident. He said she has arthritis at 76, out of nowhere. So he said to prop her foot up when she is seated and soak her foot 3x's/day and that's it, no more. She should stop the pain pills right away that the ER doctor prescribed, due to her dependence problem (thank you). Her foot looks awful and this is from following the 'doctor's orders'. Ha!

I am surprised that with my age of 33, my Mom would have moved in with my family and I would have been learning so much about elderly health care. I have had to do so out of necessity. Needless to say, we had to take her off of the pain pills and 'trick' her into thinking she was taking them still. We have had to do this other times with different types of pills. Now she is taking prescription ibuprofen instead of Lortab. I am sure she knows the difference but a big white pill that is new is better than nothing. It is just so pitifully sad. I feel awful that she is in pain but if she starts on a narcotic now she will be on a downward spiral, her doctor said. He also said that the Lortab will do her absolutely no good so I do not feel so badly about that part. We are actually doing good and doing her some 'elderly health care' at the same time, in a way. Ack. It's so messed up.

Cards & Wine With Friends

2009-05-09T21:40:00.002-04:00

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Today I was invited to play Canasta with some friends and have some wonderful food and fellowship. It was very nice and enjoyable; the food was fantastic and I laughed a lot more than I thought I would have.

In my life now, I feel so much more self-assured than I thought I would by this point. It is so nice not to have to worry about the things I used to when I was younger—before kids and when I was in my early twenties. When I was looking to get married or dating, and when I was hanging out with my girlfriends. Conversation was not fun and relaxed for me like it is now.

Too Much Cell Phone Stuff

2009-05-04T12:09:00.004-04:00

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Cell phones are cool and flashy and $450.00 and stuff. They have lots of features and they really do lots of cool actual hands-on things.

When a friend of mine in my peer group got one of those expensive phones, I thought of a couple of things. I was a little envious, true, and I have never even held one of those high dollar phones.

My kids think expensive over-the-top cell phones are awesome, of course. The expensive cell phones are so easily targeted toward kids, even at a very young age.

The real question is that begs to be asked is, "Who needs all of this expensive cell phone junk?" The way everything has gotten is super-sized and over-the-top and much more than Americans and really anyone needs. We have all trained ourselves to think we need much more than we do. People actually really want more than we need, by far. It is greedy, selfish, disgusting and self-depricating and repulsive.

My phone works just fine without a $400 price tag and a $50 monthly media package rate. It's a simple phone and I don't need to pay the over-the-top rates the the media companies think I am convinced I need to.

I Feel Too Young to Have My Mom Living With Me

2009-05-03T16:40:00.007-04:00

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Yum, my coffee tastes so good today.

I love my Mom, otherwise I would be what the courts describe as one of those uncaring people that does not want their elderly parents and just lets them go to the system, basically. It's more than just that I love her, I am morally obligated to care for her and I have a responsibility to care for her in her advancing years as well. She made the choice not to care for herself, although she could do so, because she has addiction problems. She decided she wanted to take too many pills and the court decided she will live with me and my family now instead of in her own home with my brother leeching off of her.

My Mom is not happy with this choice and she does not like others making choices for her; I do not blame my Mom for that and it does strip her of a measure of her dignity. However, she did hand some of that over when she took those pills and landed herself in the ICU on three occasions. The brother of mine that lives in my Mom's house was supposed to be caring for her but had her addicted to pills, among them methadone, which he was also addicted to. Why? For his sole benefit, I can only imagine. I lost a huge chunk of respect for him and I don't know how he could expect to gain that back. Now he finds himself in a home upside down in a pointless loan (in his parents' name and as her guardian I am not paying any more on it - my father died in July ) and he has to get out and really live on his own and be responsible for once and he's 44 years old. He's his own business owner and scared about the economy and just found out he's diabetic and he's overweight. He is scared and I feel for him because he's my brother but he also has to make his own way.

My husband is bending over backwards trying to help my brother out and I am trying to help him lose weight and with his diabetes. He lives out of state and I don't think he's going to take care of himself because he's never shown signs of it before; he procrastinates and just has a whole slew of problems that I don't want to get into.

Anyway, I am one of four of my Mom's kids, the youngest, and she lives with me now. I am not bitter but I feel young to have an elderly person in my home, I don't know, it just feels strange. It does transform a life to be a caregiver. I don't do anything at night or on the weekends anyway, I wouldn't say, not socially anyway. I used to before my big falling out with my one friend when we took our trip to Tennessee with our kids. Now our stuff is limited bigtime.

I recently met a friend who has one child who hangs out with my kids; in fact her kid is over at our house today. Her kid is polite to adults and actually brilliant, a violin player and all that, likable. I like my new friend and her husband and my husband likes them too, so it is a family friendship, which I would say is rare. It is a nice friendship because finally, for once, I do not have to do all of the work. I can FINALLY say what I mean without being a shy sheep and I don't have to apologize constantly for basically being who I am. I even told her how refreshing it is to be around someone I can come out of my shell with, joke with, be normal with. Normal for me is bizarre, weird, funny, loud, talkative, interruptive, annoying, just plain dumb sometimes.

Right now, Bugles and a Cape Cod drink are definitely yummy; just a good combo. I just searched the vodka and cranberry combo and found out that it what it is called.

Today I learned that my kids' friend broke one of their newest toys. Their friend threw the toy down on the concrete outside and it chipped the toy in several places. When the kids showed it to me, I told them to confront their friend. They did and their friend promptly denied it. I then asked the kids what their friend said and they told me what happened so I told them they will now need to confront their friend's parents. To me, they need to learn a lesson by dealing with issues involving their own belongings and appreciation of such. It is a pain having a kid over who is rough, bordering violent on occasion, with the kids' things.

Back to the stuff with my Mom; she is depressed most of the time. She said she needs time to deal with the fact that she's losing her house. The house is worth nothing and she does not need anything from the house. But she is by default a negative and depressed person. I feel very badly for her because she is very dear and she has led a good, long life. She can be a loving person and is very loved by many people.

I want to continue to show a loving attitude toward her and show respect to her. I want to show respect to my husband and love to him and my Mom will see how much I love him. Even though I am young, I can handle her living here with our family and I think she will be happy being here, living with us.

New Family Friends

2009-05-03T15:45:00.000-04:00

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I recently met a friend who has one child who hangs out with my kids; in fact her kid is over at our house today. Her kid is polite to adults and actually brilliant, a violin player and all that, likable. I like my new friend and her husband and my husband likes them too, so it is a family friendship, which I would say is rare. It is a nice friendship because finally, for once, I do not have to do all of the work. I can FINALLY say what I mean without being a shy sheep and I don't have to apologize constantly for basically being who I am. I even told her how refreshing it is to be around someone I can come out of my shell with, joke with, be normal with. Normal for me is bizarre, weird, funny, loud, talkative, interruptive, annoying, just plain dumb sometimes.

My Husband is Trying to Help My Brother

2009-05-03T10:42:00.007-04:00

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Cut & Paste No More

2009-01-27T14:54:00.002-05:00

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Forget the days of cut and paste

Smeary Swiffer

2009-01-27T14:35:00.003-05:00

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Swiffer wet cloths leave smear marks on the floor - arg!

What a Difference it Makes - Billie Holiday

2009-01-01T16:30:00.002-05:00

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Listening to the song, "What a Difference a Day Makes" - Billie Holiday. So nice.

My Husband Takes a Trip

2008-11-12T20:42:00.003-05:00

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My husband and my son are heading to my mother's home - out of state - tomorrow early to bring back a bldg (nice of my husband to do this)

Hourly Chiming Watch

2008-10-31T11:04:00.003-04:00

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I have been wearing a watch that chimes on the hour and it helps me appreciate time passing during the day

Since the Tonsillectomy

2008-10-29T11:14:00.003-04:00

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My little guy is in a lot of pain still since his tonsillectomy! It was 10.23.08

Old Party of Five Episodes

2008-10-27T17:15:00.003-04:00

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I'm watching old "Party of Five" episodes. Their acting was so dramatic, whew. I sure was into that show.

I Love This Survivor Quote

2008-10-25T09:19:00.003-04:00

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"It's like we were legless chickens racing against sleek weasels" - Ace, Survivor

Tips From the Hulu Blog

2008-10-25T06:48:00.004-04:00

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The hulu blog has a handy tips entry from 10.4.09 re queue management.

30 Rock - Liz Adopts

2008-10-25T05:18:00.006-04:00

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I'm watching 30 Rock where Liz wants to adopt - ha

Tonsillectomy Update

2008-10-25T05:10:00.002-04:00

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I just gave my son his dose of pain meds (from his tonsillectomy) and he's resting. He's had trouble getting through the "expected" pain.

Why Can't It Just Be Simple Again?

2008-10-11T21:01:00.006-04:00

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As I sit here, trying to figure out how to post to no-follow blogs and get my business into all of the blogosphere, I listen to my kids playing cars on the floor. Their conversation is so simple and it takes me back in time. They are talking about commercials and they say to each other, "Don't you hate it how the commercial gets to the end and it says, 'you must be 18 years old to order' that is so fustrating". I just think that is adorable. I wish things were that simple in my life again.

S.L.M. 10.11.08 @ 9:5

New Pills and Diet Change

2008-10-09T09:04:00.006-04:00

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Yesterday I had my doctor's appointment and he started me back on Topamax and Cymbalta. I was on Prozac, which seemed to be adequate but I felt like I needed something more or different. When I was on Cymbalta before, it did seem to help my headache pain and help with moods as well.

I feel different this morning but I know the Cymbalta cannot have taken effect already. The Topamax can start to have an effect on me though. I will start to notice changes in my short term memory and grasping for words. That effects communication, obviously, and has embarassed my husband more than once.

My diet change has been fine; I eat a whole lot less. Since September 24, 2008 I have been back to the WW flex program and it's working fine. I started out eating less "cold turkey" style and I bounced around for only a few days and for the most part I have been very serious.

WW says I have lost 6.6 pounds but I think something is wrong with their scales. I think the company might tell them to add weight when their customers weigh in. My doctor's scale is very accurate and mine at home was the same and they were both exactly two pounds lighter than WW scale was.

No matter, the WW scale is the one to please. Either way, when it all plays out, I might just be two pounds lighter than WW says - who really cares. I will have met my goal and that's what matters anyway.

The combination of the medication and the diet is going well for me. The two do not have to go hand-in-hand by the way. I am not making any recommendations or anything and I have no job connected to anything medical, do not get me wrong. I am not making any suggestions on anything for anyone regarding health. I am merely stating what I do. My doctors know what I do because I communicate with them.

Diabetes comes from both my parents, and all of my siblings have diabetes or hypoglycemia and I want to stay away from it. I know it is important that I stay at a healthy low weight so that I do not get in the danger zone for diabetes.

Now that I have a plan and a good attitude, I know I can do this thing. I see my body slimming down some and I do not really have much more to go > in the whole scheme of things.

S.L.M.
10.9.08 @ 9:31

Crowdsourced Java: Coffee 2.0

2008-10-07T15:32:00.005-04:00

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Just brewed my sample of Crowdsourced Java: Coffee 2.0 from here.

The coffee hints caramel but is very smoky and I don't think I'll like it at first. As I sip on it more, I am thinking I might like this.

I received a sample bag which you can find out about from the link above. The flavor is not anything to write home about (a very unique blend of flavor and depth of taste) but the project was a fun way to get the word out on blogging. Everyone voted on their favorite potential new flavor. Mine was a dark, caramel coffee but it did have other ingredients that were not included in this final product.

This sample is pretty a'ight and now I do like it. I just don't think I'll be getting the 11.95 bag. Thanks for the sample, though.

Peace outie.

S.L.M.
10.7.08 @ 8:26 am

Back on the WW Wagon

2008-10-06T20:33:00.008-04:00

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As of last Wednesday: I started going back to Weight Watchers again. I really like their program overall and I lost 90 pounds with it. Somewhere along the way, I gained 20 pounds back. Now I am serious about losing the weight again.

Last Weekend: We went to my Mom's house and cleaned about a bunch of storage junk since my Dad died and I ate the wrong type of stuff. Some people that helped us clean up bought hamburgers and fries one day and the next day I had chili for lunch and a piece of pizza for dinner. When I got back from that weekend, I wasn't taking dieting seriously.

Now: I am serious and I really want to lose the 20 pounds so that I am back down to skinny again. When I am thin, I am really thin. Right now I am the same size as when I got married and when I lose the last 20, I will be delighted. I am talking w00t, happy, ecstatic.

Future: I am anxious to see how well I'll do in the future. 20 pounds is not as much as 90 pounds. And I know about "how hard it is to lose those last little few pounds honey", I've been there - and back now you could say. So I am planning a good future, back on the WW Wagon.

Peace outie.
S.L.M. 10.6.08 @ 8:48 pm

Since My Dad Died

2008-10-02T09:25:00.007-04:00

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Things have been about like most people would expect when someone we love dies. My father was 75 and I am 33 and he died 'in his sleep on an apparent heart attack'. Since he died, it has been a matter of consoling my mother while detoxifying her health-wise.

My husband and I feel that my mother should be free of medication as much as possible, especially pain medication that she does not need. She is diabetic and her legs hurt at night but that is the extent of her health conditions. She does not need to be on habit-forming (cancer) pain medications of various types and strengths. The doctors at the pain clinic where she came from in Alabama enabled her into addiction. Now we need to set her free.

Since my father's death, there has been a lot to deal with in caring for my mother. I have not really taken time to work out my feelings about his death, and life, fully yet. Maybe I will not for a long time but right now my mother's care takes the place of any feelings since my Dad died.

No Weight Check

2008-09-17T22:57:00.003-04:00

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At least you don't have to weigh in at the dentist! - me

Sleepy

2008-09-12T14:21:00.002-04:00

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So sleepy and trying to get my melatonin on. Time for green tea again; yummy

Would a Dog...

2008-09-09T16:17:00.002-04:00

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Would a dog ever: turn down food, stop staring or stop eating?

I Like My Job

2008-09-09T14:09:00.002-04:00

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It's a fun job that I have.

Website Work

2008-09-09T14:08:00.002-04:00

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I am proud of the work we've accomplished on our site

Network Timeout

2008-09-08T20:21:00.002-04:00

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"Network Timeout" on our company website - what is that?

Loud Thunderstorm

2008-09-08T20:16:00.005-04:00

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There was quite a thunderstorm here today. The thunder was so loud.

Cleaning & Donating

2008-09-08T20:16:00.004-04:00

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We are cleaning up our whole downstairs (and more) for a yard sale. I wish we could just donate everything!

Sometimes It Gets Rough

2008-09-03T09:22:00.008-04:00

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Anyone can relate to this. When you feel like shutting down or going away and hiding from life. Rarely is this possible, though. If it is, it may not be the healthiest option, even though we think it is.

Sometimes this kind of thing can make us do dumb stuff. If we have goals, we can sabotage our own pursuits. We tend to lose sight of what is important to us because we are absorbed in self-pity and even self-destructiveness.

When I am on a diet, I get like this and think "tomorrow I will really start." Then I start the next day good and mess up and get hard on myself and the cycle starts over again.

If we are trying to stop a bad habit, we can end up in this cycle as well. Sometimes it gets rough and we can't always deal with it the way we would like to be able to.

Other people at these times in our life can seem to be: supportive, difficult, funny, helpful, combative, weak, strong, useful, mean or unbelievably kind. It is all in the way we perceive those around us and our own problems.

S.L.M.
9.3.08 @ 9:32

Indoor Dog, Burying Treats

2008-08-25T13:27:00.003-04:00

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The dog is "burying" his treat on the couch, pushing imaginary dirt over the top of it. Ha!

Screen Touch Computing

2008-08-25T10:14:00.002-04:00

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Screen touch computing http://ping.fm/0CPxq

Why Do My Armpits Smell?

2008-08-25T08:08:00.001-04:00

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My armpits smell funky and they have for quite some time. I am really thinking I have enough deodorant & antiperspirant on every day and I shower daily so I know I am clean. What gives? I am beginning to think it's the 400mg of Topamax I've been prescribed. I know that makes my hair fall out!

Podcast About Children - Ever Jealous?

2008-08-25T07:59:00.003-04:00

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Listening to podcast: "Teach Your Children - Are You Ever Jealous?" (good to hear while I work)

2008-08-25T07:54:00.001-04:00

Mm good morning. The coffee is so yummy today; nice and rich & smooth.

Being a Lady or a Woman; To-Do List

2008-08-22T19:33:00.055-04:00

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Allow others to speak when it is their turn; everyone likes a good listener
Apologize whenever necessary. It doesn't make you weak
Shave your armpits and legs daily
Swallow your pride and fix things, promptly, if you encounter a problem with friends, family, in public, or with others - it can go a long way
Address those older than you with respect. You do not have to like them but this is a way to show respect in general
Wear sufficient deodorant/antiperspirant, applied to clean skin
Regularly wear even basic skin makeup (Bare Minerals bisque and/or your color foundation is great - it's natural and is even safe to sleep in) - if nothing else, makeup-wise
Always keep clean fingernails (well trimmed, freshly painted or cleanly unpainted, manicured - you can do this yourself, it doesn't have to be paid for) and never bite them.
-Regularly repair worn, chipped, half-on-half-off polish.
-Use fingernail clippers to get rid of hang nails or torn skin; don't pick at it or put your fingers in your mouth.

Shower or bathe daily (this should go without saying but is a must)
Do your hair every day (style it), even if it means wearing a ponytail - which should look neatly done and styled
Wear perfume sparingly (you should not overwhelm anyone)
Mascara is a nice touch for any female, but no makeup should be overdone
Sit like a lady in public places. This is most becoming in a real lady or woman
Avoid foul language, period; it is not cool, nice or admirable.
-It's OK to walk away from people that do not speak in a way you approve.
-If you don't like degrading jokes, stay away (this includes email)
Do not over-drink, ever. If you choose to imbibe, do so reasonably (you know your limits and if you don't, you should). This is just safe for one thing and better for your body
Avoid drug use. If you take medication, do so reasonably
Speak well of others, especially your husband or boyfriend. Speak well of family, including your mother - who caused your existence
If you have children, do your best to be a good mother. Think of how you can better your child's life; try making life better than yours may have been, in even small ways
If you have children, really try not to argue in front of them - it changes who they are
Wash your hands regularly and especially after using the restroom
Wear some simple and appropriate jewelry if
-you are comfortable with jewelry
-and it matches your clothing style
Dress nicely and appropriately for your body type, not wearing inappropriate clothing for an occasion. If you are not sure, ask for someone's advice
Don't brag; wherever there is a chance, credit others for accomplishments
Avoid gossip. No one likes a gossip (think of how it feels if you switch things around)
Be a good friend. Maintain friendships with care, apologize when needed, get over stuff, stay in touch, show love
Make an effort not to complain; no one needs to hear a complainer
Be careful with money (a difficult thing, but it will really "pay off")
Avoid belching and cutting loose bodily in public places, if you can
Submissiveness is obedience even if you don't understand. Sometimes something might not make sense at the time, but stepping down and giving in, instead of the alternative, is always respectable. (The true meaning of submissiveness is all but missing today - worldwide)
Try not to forward emails that are not tasteful or are just plain annoying. You have the power to stop it
Honesty is the best, sometimes hardest, policy
Try to smile regularly - it's great. So is laughter
Do not answer your cell phone or talk on it when you should be speaking to someone else (banks, drive-thru locations, retail shops, quiet locations, in front of people, etc.) If you must take a call, be prompt and discreet and get back with the person who is in front of you
Be proud of your accomplishments and try to do a good job at work, if you work. (If you don't work outside the home, working at home is work too)
Wear a skin-softening cream, oil or lotion to keep your skin soft and healthy.
-It could smell light but not overwhelming.
-Added plus: who knows, you may become known to others by a signature scent and create memories that last forever.
-Sunscreen in place of lotion each day protects your skin, softens it, and smells nice as well.
Always send thank-you cards to express appreciation. This is almost a dying tradition
Conduct yourself in a kind way with others, even if you think no one is watching
Be dependable; others should always know they can count on you
Buy small gifts for others every now and then (flowers, something simple, even something you make yourself is touching to other people)

~~~~

Maintaining a close version of this, and similar conduct as this, will help you to feel better and allow you to acquire respect from others.

S.L.M.
8.22.08 @ 7:22

Wine

2008-08-22T19:23:00.002-04:00

Mm, enjoying some Chianti

Flirting is Just Wrong

2008-08-22T18:40:00.004-04:00

My brother-in-law believes that it is ok to flirt. I do not agree with this thinking. When we are at religious services, he is always looking at his wife's sister. I do not like to see this happening because he is supposed to have the same beliefs as I do, where it is wrong to continue looking at a woman so as to desire her. This is especially so since the woman is his wife's sister.

My sister-in-law (married to him) never argues or shows distrust, dislike or a personality problem in regards to him. That is respectful, to say the least, and difficult to understand, especially given today's statistics in marriage.

This guy has had problems meeting people online, at least one girl. I talked to someone he worked with and he used to just ogle women and whistle at them. He has been married 15 years and his wife is completely loyal and very pretty. Why he feels the need to look around, flirt, cat-call or anything is beyond me and very wrong. Flirting is just plain wrong; it is hurtful and misleading. Where would he ever expect to go with it, especially since he is married?

A few years ago, his wife's sister got interested in another man outside of her marriage and during that time, my brother-in-law was also acting like he was straying. I went outside at one family gathering and he and her were outside, him with his arms around her affectionately. It looked like she should be his wife instead of his sister-in-law. I cannot imagine the mate of either one of them approving of the way they were conducting themselves.

I am not excusing myself in any way (I do not flirt) but I think that people can make mistakes. It is just sad to see this guy repeatedly eying his sister-in-law and it's worse cuz they live right next door to each other. Trust always comes into question when people conduct themselves this way in a marriage.

Flirting even when you are not married can be dangerous and hurt other people. I just think it is sad that someone would feel like it is ok to do this as a Christian when the Bible has strict explanations regarding anything outside of the marriage of two people.

Sometimes it gets to me so I just wanted to write about it tonight.

S.L.M.
8.22.08 @ 6:51

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2008-08-18T16:52:00.005-04:00

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2008-08-18T14:48:00.004-04:00

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2008-08-18T14:46:00.003-04:00

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2008-08-18T14:18:00.003-04:00

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2008-08-18T13:04:00.002-04:00

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